bittersweet

How can a song squeeze your heart every single time? And if it is 1 am, you will invariably end up crying. This song from RM's second mixtape - or what he called playlist- just tugs my heart. It is such a contrast, in that it squeezes my heart tightly and makes me cry and then envelops me into a huge warm hug telling me everything will be okay. Have you ever had that with a song? I have never.

uhgood

"Being off is such a painful thing

It’s something you don’t know unless you experience it

My ideal and reality–

They are too far apart"

Head to doolsetbangtan for more feels.

'sometimes I hear howling in my head'

Let me burn down all the bitterness. 

I wish you well. I wish you love.

I wish you passion. I wish you good hearts.

I wish you safety. I wish you intimacy.

I wish you comfort. I wish you joy.

I wish you ease. I wish you happiness.

I wish you forgiveness.

I wish you remembrance and fresh starts.

Tap the ashes off. Gently. Let it go.

stuck in the loop

 Often.....more often than my liking....I fall into periods of intense rage and bouts of self pitying crying sessions. 

The anger is fuelled by nothing, or rather everything. I am angry at myself. I am angry at the world. I am angry at what is lost. I am angry at what could have been. I am angry at what I did, and what I didn't do. This anger is triggered by the most innocent things - my mother asking me to find her a particular video on YouTube, my aunt asking me translations of the evening news, my father asking me what I did during the day. Not even half a minute into these requests and questions, there is a surge of senseless anger building in me, overpowering any good intentions I may have. I am no longer a daughter. I am just raw emotion.

And then there are the tears that come also come uninvited and without warning.

I also feel nothing. There is nothing in me, and I am nothing at all. There is no past, no present, no future. There is only vast nothingness.

solitary living

 

So I was arguing with myself and I made something. Does anyone else feel this way?

Little By Little - art by Yaoyao Ma Van As. Find more here.

Things I never thought I'd miss

This enforced lockdown and isolation has really shaken things up, huh! We have had enormous amount of time to sleep, do chores, be bored, and to try to work. All within the confines of our homes for months on end. So I've been reflecting on what I used to do earlier and came to the conclusion that I actually miss doing certain things such as-

• Wearing heels 
• Catching the evening train after work 
• Going to the shops on a Friday evening
• Lighting an incense stick to pray
• Going for walks
• Catching up with colleagues first thing on Monday mornings
• Riding the bus home each evening
• Treasuring the Saturday morning lie in
• Finishing a dreaded work call/meeting

Most of these are work related as you can see. Well, good thing I'm returning to work then. 👀

Dynamite is here!!

 

I SLEPT AT 6 PM AND WOKE UP AT 8:30 PM THURSDAY EVENING. HAD A HEARTATTACK THINKING I MISSED 'DYNAMITE' PREMIERE SCHEDULED FOR 5 AM FRIDAY UK TIME.

FINALLY SLEPT AGAIN AT 1:30 AM AND WOKE UP 4:30 AM.

WORTH IT!!!!

DYNAMITE IS SUCH A BOP. 

THE MUSIC, THE LYRICS, THE VISUALS, THE DANCE - CHEF'S KISSSSS

ARGHHHHHHH

BEEN STREAMING SINCE 5 AM.

THIS IS ME RIGHT NOW!!

No, thank you

A couple of days ago I had a cringe moment when a seer told me I will have three kids - two daughters and one son. Mentally I was like WTFFF....Yes, I like kids but I cannot imagine having a child of my own, let alone three. Oh lord. I can't even begin to imagine being with someone at this point in my life. Why would my future self decide to have THREE KIDS? What's wrong with you, lady?

I wish seers would see my ideal life come true in their visions of me. I want to live alone in a cosy place with a nice balcony. Ideally, I would love to live in a big city. 

I'm sad. Thus, I refuse to believe in this three-kids scenario. 

just those days

 I just feel so sad and bland today. I function, but barely. Outside, the weather is dark and gloomy, just the way I like. But I don't feel happy. I was in bed the entire day. Everyone's opinions on Twitter just makes me angry. Why is everyone shouting all the time? I want to get off social media but I feel anxious as if I would miss something. I hate this cycle of social media consumerism and anxiety I feel sucked into. Nothing gives me pleasure and everything makes me angry and cry. Nothing makes sense. 

Culture aggravations

 South Asian culture is:

1. feeling obliged to help/offer help in the kitchen when you're a guest in someone's house just because you're a girl/woman
2. pressured to serve food/clean up after the men in the family
3. that awkward moment when you wake up after sleeping an inappropriate amount at your in-laws' place
4. having to tiptoe around the conversation of periods, homosexuality, dating and premarital sex
5. complimenting a certain boy/man by remarking he is like a 'daughter' because he cooks and helps around the house....gasp! an unprecedented sighting!
6. boys/men walking casually to the sink after dinner, stacking their used plate on the counter and walking the fuck out of the kitchen
7. dividing chores by gender during festival time, i.e., men do next to nothing while women do everything and carry the pressure of looking presentable at the allotted auspicious hour
8. your family telling you not to do too much as you please while you're living with your in-laws
9. telling daughters-in-law 'oh, we want to see our grandson' as if women are magicians and can procure male heirs for your kingdom out of thin air
10. having to think twice before going to stay at your parents' because you don't want your husband or in-laws to think you go there too often

end rant

and that's living

August evening in Dorset/ 2020

It was a hectic day but oddly I felt calm and centred. Life just carries on, doesn't it? There's no stopping for anything. Death is the inevitable fixture for the living. Yet, despite that, life carries on for other people. Seasons keep changing, sea waves continue ebbing and flowing, the sun and moon remain in the sky.

Let me pack my worries away. For tomorrow will certainly come. And when it does, I will face it with a brave heart.

Goodbye, sadgirlsummer

It is a tentative feeling. 

But I recognise it more easily these days though it does still elude me. I am feeling whole in a way I never expected to. Not since the past couple of years.

Like most adults, I have my fair share of problems stemming from self reflection, relationship and career issues. I worry I am not enough, that I don't know how to be better, that I don't how to do better. 

Questions whirled around my head - 'Why can't I accept things the way they are?', 'Why am I not able to make more effort?', 'Am I doomed to feel this way forever?'.

It would be amiss if I said I was unhappy all the time. There have been happy, pleasant times, too. But those moments felt like patches of sunlight in a deep winter. Precious but not enough. Never enough. 

Does adult angst wound more?

I played conversations over and over in my head. I wondered if I were building myself up to be a victim. Why was I angry all the time? All I wanted to do (and still do) was lay down in my bed and disappear inside. I am also sick of being the nice person everyone thinks I am. Because these tags don't stop there. They are a burden, adding so much pressure on you to carry on the persona just because it is expected of you and you are too 'nice' to upset the equilibrium. 

Too many months were spent mourning and moping. Just tooooo much feelings.

*cue cringe badly written poem

Dark clouds overhead

Who's crying over there?

Seems like only yesterday

Bright skies were everywhere

Now we're muffled

Now we're puzzled

Fine, fine, we say

Shadows, shadows, all the days

But if being on furlough has given me anything, it is the luxury of time without having to worry too much about money. This time has been put to use. To beat myself up and berate myself. 

Now I am exhausted. I think I want better for myself. 

There, I said it. I want better for myself. 

Now I ask myself - 'Who says I can't have the best version of me yet?'.

I'm reconciling my bold snarky inner self with the 'nice' outer persona. No rule in the world says I can't be both. 

This summer I am beginning to believe in myself.