Little light

I think about death and dying and life and living. The bane of human existence, of being conscious is precisely this. Not the death and dying or the life and living part. But the thinking and feeling of this undeniable truth.

One more thing has started tacking itself to my unoriginal thoughts - the shortness of it all. 

What a fucking shitshow.

Life no longer seems long and endless or whatever I believed it was, previously. Now human beings are fragile, fragile creatures. Like a hummingbird with a little light inside them, flapping its wings for 10 or 20 seconds before suddenly dying, no longer existing, its place taken by dust and light and another hummingbird.

I catch myself thinking these unoriginal thoughts - my unoriginal musings taking me nowhere new, nowhere fun. But in the last few months or maybe weeks, something floated by and brought my boring train of thought to a screeching halt. If life is short and we die and cease to exist before we can fully even comprehend who we are then perhaps our duty is to treat each other well. Or maybe it's just what I must do, regardless of whether it's a duty or obligation. Treat people well. Starting with my family. Treat them better. Hold the light inside everybody preciously. 

Maybe that's the point of existence. Not to create something great. Or to enjoy life. Definitely not to be brave and take on whatever shit life throws at us. Maybe the point of existence is to treat each other like a precious little light. 

UPDATE: Just a day later, this reached my inbox. Here's the Marginalian/Maria Popova with her deep insights on the same topic. 

'You know that the price of life is death, that the price of love is loss, and still you watch the golden afternoon light fall on a face you love, knowing that the light will soon fade, knowing that the loving face too will one day fade to indifference or bone, and you love anyway — because life is transient but possible, because love alone bridges the impossible and the eternal.'

Read up more here - Love Anyway

brainfood

• Text of Indian writer Arundhati Roy's speech in 2018 - in-what-language-does-rain-fall-over-tormented-cities. This is jam-packed with historical, political, literary, religious, and cultural references. It requires a bigger brain than mine to fully comprehend. But it is a must-read. Be warned - it is very long.

• RM's interview where he talks about his first mixtape. It gives an interesting insight into his mind. The 2015 Namjoon talked honestly about his art, his mistakes, and his aspirations. I also loved reading about the kind of relationship he has with his agency and the misgivings he had then as a Kpop idol. I can see how the path he was on at that time led him to be the man he is today.

• This 2011 article, republished in Anveshi Research Centre for Women’s Studies, talks about the accessibility, and lack of, education and the English language- and the way it was/is being used as tools against the poor and marginalised in India.

• I came across this blog piece titled 'Mimetic Traps' after listening to the 'Not Over Thinking' podcast. Very interesting and thought-provoking. It talks about how a lot of us could be caught in jobs, situations, a life that is essentially a reflection of other people's desires, and not truly our own. The trap is basically us 'inheriting other's desires' and thinking we want something very badly. We invest energy and time on that specific thing but we might find out too late that it doesn't hold any value for US. I want to read it a couple more times to make sure I understand it as perfectly as possible.

A poem for small things

*written sometime in April

 

 

Every day now, time is a concept, divided into four parts. Time for tea after I wake up, time during the day when I’m in bed in front of my laptop, time to go downstairs to cook dinner, time for myself after dinner.

 

These four periods are tied together by a common thread. I offer a poem for small things.

 

I look at accounts dedicated to plants on Instagram. They transport me out of my sometimes frankly stale world into a fresher, healthier realm. I also want to understand what the writer intends to say in their native language but the translation is off. ‘Space valid’ – I ponder over this translation for a few seconds and suppose that they probably meant to write the space has been used well and give my own conclusion my stamp of approval.

 

I scroll through Tumblr blogs, marvelling at the sheer witticisms of people.  

 

I love how BTS fans love the group so much they have created cool animated videos, hilarious memes, countless videos to form a cohesive story about why BTS deserves this love. This feeds into my admiration for the artists. ARMY, you are amazing!

 

I am happy we have eggs and flour and lemons at home.

 

I am grateful we have a big freezer. Though it is half empty now, we can still stock up when we’re really running low.

 

I am grateful we have more females than males in this house. Sometimes, I wonder if my aunt loves my brother this much because she practically raised him or because he is the only son in this house. 

 

And sometimes, I wonder at the miracle of believing that anything is possible for me now.

 

This time has proved to be indispensable – I needed to recalibrate. I feel less and less like myself every day. Or am I more and more like myself? I wasn’t this irritable. I wasn’t this cruel. I wasn’t this stupid. I wasn’t this egoistic (perhaps that’s preferable to being egotistic..:P). But I am now.

 

I need to calm down. I need to regroup my emotions and thoughts. If I continue along this path, I am nervous about where I will end up. There are dark clouds all the time now.  

 

This quarantine period has given me clarity on the small things that give me so much joy. The things and feelings that come up unprompted. When I am offered a cup of tea suddenly. When I feel a burst of energy and inspiration to make dinner and I’m alone in the kitchen. When I slip into fresh sheets after a refreshing shower at night and I pat myself on the back for having that energy to change my sheets at some point during the day.

 

And then sometimes, my small things are unpleasant for other people. Am I even allowed to share these? Like, I am joyous when I manage to sneak downstairs without encountering my family. I feel satisfied when I can take a whole day without any of them asking me why I’m in my room always. When I can grab food but my family’s around but they don’t talk to me and I successfully run upstairs to my sanctuary. I am ashamed to admit this but it is my small victory.

 

I dream of living alone all the time. I dream of being able to hang around in my balcony or in the backyard without having anyone around. I dream of cooking when and what I want. 

 

I offer a prayer I don’t have a child. I wouldn’t be a good parent in this present state of mind. It is quite sad considering I’d always imagined I would have started a family at this age. Now I’m not even sure I want a child at all.

 

Nothing is small if it brings you joy. Nothing is small if it brings you pain. Because that second of emotion is all you’re feeling at that time. You’re awash with love or sorrow. That’s all you know right that moment.

 

So, I say a poem for my small things. 

reflect and reset

I think this is the Kaveri River in southern India. We were in the train for a few days so I'm not certain.

There's nothing worse than feeling like the scum of the earth. I've been facing some hard truths about myself lately and it is not pretty. It feels like a sinking stone when you finally start to truly acknowledge your shit self. the logical side knows I need to work on those traits but the ghost of those traits are still putting up a last fight. Trying to hold on to the inner self as I know it. 

I would like to think I've always listened to myself and my voice. The fact that I didn't work on whatever conclusion I reached is a different story. What is changing is perhaps that I'm ready for some kind of inner shifting and metamorphosis. That's why it hits differently now than a few months ago when I was told the same thing by the same person. 

I will take some time to reflect and mourn my bad, pathetic self. Because that was still me.

incomplete

I tried meditation today. It was difficult because I felt like I was doing it all wrong. I am looking for a more authentic source learn from. Someone send me instructions!

I would like to think I practice mindfulness every day, but the truth is I am leaning more towards selfish thoughts. Maybe that is where I should start.