stop. please.

Just found this which perfectly encapsulates what I'm trying to say here.

There's just too much information. 

And too many forms of entertainment. 

Sometimes it straight up drives me crazy. 

Because I will be doing some work and then get distracted by social media and find a good article to read but I have a niggling work related doubt at the back of my head so I google to get answers and I read the first paragraph of the first article I find. Then a friend messages me and I watch the video she sends and start looking for more information on the video on Twitter where I find a book review for an interesting book in translation which makes me jump to Goodreads to look up other reviews.....

You get where this is going? 

I hate this.

all the bad days, they're everywhere now

where are the words to explain how I feel? how many ways are there to examine this erupting mountain of memories and loss? why do I feel so torn between taking the next big step? one minute I feel certain it is the right way, the only way, to go. another moment passes by and I hear his voice say 'so everything's my fault? you think you never did anything wrong?'. then all that certainty dissolves to form a bitter pool of tears. i am a storm of rage. why? why? you know what you did wrong!!! how could you not know the different ways you lessened my being? yet why do i still make excuses for you in my head? why does it still hurt to think i might be causing you sorrow? this world's take on relationships and struggles is confusing me. am i supposed to forgive past transgressions because this is what relationships are all about? because this is what being a partner means - giving chances, working on your problems, forging a new path in life together. but what if I can't afford to give him chances because he had 10 years to be better, do better but all he did was continue being the worst version of himself. 

I am sorry to the woman i was for shrinking, for forgetting, for forgiving. 

Adapt

ADAPT

-To modify

-To adjust

             -To make suitable

Easier said than done.

Adapting takes a lot out of an average person. For young people, it is part of growing up. So what does that mean for those of us who have hit their thirties? I don't have an answer to that. All I know is I am having to learn how to adapt and it is not very pleasant. Yet, I wouldn't go so far as to say it is something to curse at for all of eternity. You get the hang of it after a couple of curses and mini meltdowns.

Then you pick yourself up as a good 'adult' does and get on with living. 

Adapting inevitably leads to tweaks in your personality. I have also invariably found myself alternating between panic and wonderment at whatever this adapting situation has brought to my life. 

A few tips on handling panic--Stop whatever you are doing that is causing you to panic-Do the thing that relaxes you most (talk to a confidant, drink tea, run, sleep, watch a movie)-Vent to a friend. Call them. If they don't pick up, leave long-winded messages.-Cry if you must

How to enjoy the state of wonderment-- Appreciate that you might not always feel this way- Call someone immediately to gush about the feeling. If they don't pick up, call someone else. Or leave a message.- Do something else you enjoy that can amplify your present state of being