Saturday 16 March 2024

Sad? Food pics as balm

Feeling a bit down in the dumps. 

Looking at what I ate since the beginning of the year helps me feel a bit better. How come I don't have any pictures of our typical rice-veggies-meat-daal dinners??? 


                    Yesterday's dinner                    
                                                                                           Chicken dumplings and soup


 
Not a big drinker. Bought a case after work. It was okay.


                                                                     This was a 'second dinner' situation.




                                    My fav snack
                                                                                                In my diet era


          Back to regular programming


The achars were so good, alu dum and momos were so-so.
         



            One last hurrah for my skinny self.


                                                                   Pulled back into the world of midnight snacks. 

Wednesday 17 January 2024

trudge

it's so scary to think i have to live, exist, persist, etc., for decades....all the while, i'm slowly rotting and inching nearer to being wiped off. before i jump into the question of existence and purpose and everything futile, i just want to add that i am lost and i don't want answers. i don't even want to question. all my sorrows are puny. i am not the first nor the last nor anything consequential. my only wish would be to dim my desire for wanting anything out of life - most of all the desire to find answers to questions that have evaded all of humanity that came before me. my only consolation is the slowly forming trick i've begun to put into action whenever something pinches me - whatever i am doing is temporary, so this disgusting, challenging thing i'm doing right now is more than a figment of my imagination certainly, but it is fleeting in the vast scheme of things. goodbye! i will learn to look at it dispassionately and move on. trudge, trudge, trudge....toward death and decay.

Saturday 30 December 2023

one night in December

think about how life is haunting

how it pricks and pins you 

as you struggle

how haunting it is 

in its beauty

or is it despair

like a yellowed afternoon

that is both soft and scarred

depending on the memory it contains

do you hold on to life

do you thrash to unwrap it claws off you

what do you do

what do you do

you do not know

you do not understand

all you do

all you know

life is haunting

it haunts you

from the moment you experienced your first heartbreak

you discovered your friends gossiping about you

it broke your heart

or maybe you found your mother counting pennies

and it was a peculiar feeling seeing her stack up those coins

the slight air of helplessness permeating the air

something reared its ugly head

when your lover called you names, not of endearment

the sound of a heart breaking, into twos and fours



Wednesday 15 November 2023

are you doing well?

Spent 10 mins yesterday crying over the masterpiece that is Jaurim's 25, 21

Something about her voice and the atmosphere of the song always gets me. The words she sings can feel so simple but each one is dripping with meaning and life. This song has stood the test of time. 

This led me to think about other songs that have pulled me in. I've never thought of myself as a music lover. I think that's because I always measure passion by the yardstick of my deep love for books and stories. I love books so much. To give an example, I get teary-eyed when I come across booktubers who are clearly so excited and passionate. There was this one person who was filming his reaction to some book award and he was so nervous as if he was the one up for the award. These days I don't have the best feeling about existing so this experience made me feel glad to be alive.

Back to songs that stir my heart in inexplicable ways


sneaking in Jaurim's 25, 21 again as a reminder






Sunday 30 July 2023

hello, darkness, my old friend

some thoughts fleet by my mind suddenly, sometimes - what does it mean to die? why am I afraid of dying? why is death so interesting to me now? why do we consider death so taboo?

I don't know where it started or how, but I found myself suddenly wanting not to live. Not because I had anything terrible going on in my life. In fact, even during my darkest moments, I never contemplated dying to avoid the pain. But now I am gaining morbid curiosity about death, dying, the effect on those we leave behind when we die.

who will I hurt when I die? my parents, for sure. my siblings, yes. friends, only the closest ones.

but how long will they grieve? I wonder not because I want them to grieve for me for a long time but because I am calculating if my not being alive will only inflict unnecessary and a long drawn out pain for them. I want people to forget me when I am no longer around.

yet, I worry my parents will carry pain shaped like my void around with them, forever and ever until they die. I worry that in seeing my parents, my siblings will then grieve twice as hard as they normally would if my parents were not around with the ghost of my once-existence lingering around them.

for my friends, I hope they forget me soon and build better memories with their loved ones to replace the ones marked 'me'.

I wonder if everyone I think of also thinks of dying. 

Monday 27 February 2023

how to be happy

 I find myself typing 'how to be happy' - seeking answers on the internet, hoping someone smarter and wiser than me has already found the answer and will teach me.

I don't know what I'm looking for. 

I can't manage my stress levels the way the internet tells me I should.

I hate exercising so that's out.

I think I have a good handle on my negative thoughts and typically practice 'good thoughts' quite well but that's got me nowhere.

So, I am back to square one. I have nothing to do but type 'how to be happy'.

There's no answer. No human has found the answer, it seems.

We were all forced to exist. We make do because that's all we can do. Then we die. Death isn't even a relief according to what some people say. Apparently, our consciousness continues to exist in the ether. And that's somehow worse. Floating and floating. Cursed to be aware of everything for eternity. 

I'm so glad I don't have a child cursed with the burden of existence

Monday 13 February 2023

trying to clutch at something

there's a truth that is poking at the corners of my brain and my subconsciousness, but it is still raw and doesn't feel fully informed. I wish I could tell you what it is.

Monday 2 January 2023

new year, old me

 I thought I'd make 10 million resolutions to turn into a new person this new year. But I don't have anything I want to try. I mean I do but I don't really want to make resolutions.

new year, old me is the theme. but if there's something I want to do, it is this - take each day as it comes.

nothing exciting about this but that's the whole purpose of this. I don't want any excitement in my life because with excitement comes stress and anxiety and I want to stop thinking about the future and reduce stress and anger. So, I'll live in the today and stop worrying about tomorrow. 

that's the 2023 me.

Sunday 16 October 2022

things I want to know

The onset of winter has always been the cruellest month for some people I know. As the days quickly grow darker and the gust of wind blows coldly, it is a reminder to me to remain vigilant. Not just to bundle up. Take care of that cold. Return home before the sun vanishes from the sky. But also to check in and see if there's anything I can do. How to grate less on someone's nerves? How to subtly remind someone that May, by contrast to the approaching cold, is the doorway to the warm summer days that has always acted as a balm to me? That this long, wintry tussle with the demons is a fight worth winning to usher in the next year?


Sunday 17 April 2022

A fine, fucking Sunday - thank you BTS!

 I love Bangtan so much.

The end of the epic 4-day PTD in Las Vegas! And what a fucking finish to a legendary moment in life.

Fav chaotic duo

 

Everything felt different somehow in the last show.

Black Swan seemed to have new choreo. 

JK seemed even more energetic than his usual self if that's possible.

Tae was so jumpy and happy. 

Just model Tae walking the runway lol


Jimin and JK were cutely running around photobombing the members during Life Goes On. hehe.

Suga inundated with hundreds of 'Yoongi, marry me' posters hahahah. And he was like there are many drive-through wedding places in Las Vegas hahahaha

hahaha

Speaking of posters - there were many witty and cute ones. 




I loved what Hobi was wearing here. (Can't seem to find a full body pic right now)

I was so proud of JK and Hobi's English speeches. They have become so fluent in the language. This motivates me immensely to learn Korean. The Bangtan Academy classes begin in May - I'm so excited!!!!

And Hobi took a moment out of his speech time to thank Jin for still delivering a world class performance despite his injury so that bts on stage looked like the cohesive team they are. I believe Jin seemed really shy and a bit overwhelmed at this praise from his dance leader. During his own speech, Jin expressed regret that he hurt himself which hindered the quality of performance BTS is known for and he apologised to his band members. Tae was having none of that and immediately stood up and went up to Jin to say NO, you are not a burden to us, okay!!! 😭

Oh the fuzzy warm feelings don't stop there. Joon initiated hugs with his members. Now that makes me proud idk why lol. When he stepped to share his final thoughts, JK went 'our boss' hehehhehehehe.

my fav duo ever 


He was also in a nostalgic mood as he went all the way back to the AHL days when they were cleaning hotels and asking people to come to their concert.

Joon gave a full bow to army. And LAB dance team returned the bow to Bangtan.

THE ENDING WAS LEGENDARY. I mean Joon had been hinting something was coming because he kept saying stay with us till the end. BUT THAT ANNOUNCEMENT!!!!!

When I heard the heard the words 'WE ARE BULLETPROOF' and saw the June 10th date, I literally flopped my legs and squealed loudly and sat up on my bed. hahahaha....After I calmed down, I found my own instinctive reaction so hilarious. 

I am so happy. Thank you, BTS for always colouring my life with joy. I will keep praying for only the best things for you.

BTS IS COMING!!


Thursday 14 April 2022

Why I don't want kids

There's one thing I've been increasingly certain of over the past couple of years. I don't want kids of my own. 

I have always liked children. I think they are adorable lil humans. And I actually think I'd be a good parent. When I was younger, a family of my own obviously meant children - either one or two girls. I even had names figured out. 

But now all that desire is slowly vanishing to be replaced with apathy.

It's nothing to do with currently being single and not having a romantic partner. I was in a long term relationship for a decade. Like most young people, starting a family was always a plan but a very distant one. Somehow, we always had plenty of good reasons to not consider that seriously - not ready for kids, not mature enough, no financial stability. Both of us were definitely not ready to step into the next stage of adulthood. 

But I saw plenty of people around me, in the same situation, having kids and while being parents is challenging, they seemed to be doing okay for the most part. 

Anyway, I'm just glad I am not a parent at this time. I will continue to love children. I will also be glad that life brought me here to this stage in my life where I am child free and happy about it.

My reasons - which are in no particular order - are as follows.

  1. I'm lazy and don't want to bother with the daily task of taking care of any kids.
  2. I'm against the idea of feeling vulnerable. Little humans we birth are walking about in the world - unprotected, open to scary incidents. My heart cannot take this emotional upheaval.
  3. The cost of raising children is high. It's not fair for kids to see their parents struggle financially, I think.
  4. The idea of pregnancy has started to be very unappealing. I didn't have any opinion about it before because I just accepted that it's something women have to go through if they want children but now I'm decidedly turning my back against nine whole months of aches and what-not. Just very unfair of god or whoever designed our fragile human bodies.
  5. The mother is always going to be the primary caregiver. Am I up for the biggest, most enduring role of my life? No, I am not.
None of us chose to be born. I'm sure a lot of us love that we are alive and that we get to experience this revolutionary act of choosing to live every single day. But I'm equally sure many of us would rather not exist. And then there's this daunting, inevitability of old age and illness which is frankly scarier than death. Do I want to be responsible for a human being who has to experience these two scary things? Thankfully, not everyone is destined to suffer a painful decline into ageing and then death.

But because life is long, I have left open the minuscule possibility of me changing my mind. I hope I do not. But in case I do, then there's always adoption. Because I sure as heck will not be birthing any human. I am in my mid 30s and I'm already very tired and achy. I refuse to take on any physical challenges.

Enjoy this imperfect picture of perfect tulips, please.







Sad? Food pics as balm

Feeling a bit down in the dumps.  Looking at what I ate since the beginning of the year helps me feel a bit better. How come I don't hav...