Feeling a bit down in the dumps.
Looking at what I ate since the beginning of the year helps me feel a bit better. How come I don't have any pictures of our typical rice-veggies-meat-daal dinners???
My fav snack
'May your trials end in full bloom' - So Far Away / Agust D
Feeling a bit down in the dumps.
Looking at what I ate since the beginning of the year helps me feel a bit better. How come I don't have any pictures of our typical rice-veggies-meat-daal dinners???
think about how life is haunting
how it pricks and pins you
as you struggle
how haunting it is
in its beauty
or is it despair
like a yellowed afternoon
that is both soft and scarred
depending on the memory it contains
do you hold on to life
do you thrash to unwrap it claws off you
what do you do
what do you do
you do not know
you do not understand
all you do
all you know
life is haunting
it haunts you
from the moment you experienced your first heartbreak
you discovered your friends gossiping about you
it broke your heart
or maybe you found your mother counting pennies
and it was a peculiar feeling seeing her stack up those coins
the slight air of helplessness permeating the air
something reared its ugly head
when your lover called you names, not of endearment
the sound of a heart breaking, into twos and fours
I find myself typing 'how to be happy' - seeking answers on the internet, hoping someone smarter and wiser than me has already found the answer and will teach me.
I don't know what I'm looking for.
I can't manage my stress levels the way the internet tells me I should.
I hate exercising so that's out.
I think I have a good handle on my negative thoughts and typically practice 'good thoughts' quite well but that's got me nowhere.
So, I am back to square one. I have nothing to do but type 'how to be happy'.
There's no answer. No human has found the answer, it seems.
We were all forced to exist. We make do because that's all we can do. Then we die. Death isn't even a relief according to what some people say. Apparently, our consciousness continues to exist in the ether. And that's somehow worse. Floating and floating. Cursed to be aware of everything for eternity.
I'm so glad I don't have a child cursed with the burden of existence
I thought I'd make 10 million resolutions to turn into a new person this new year. But I don't have anything I want to try. I mean I do but I don't really want to make resolutions.
new year, old me is the theme. but if there's something I want to do, it is this - take each day as it comes.
nothing exciting about this but that's the whole purpose of this. I don't want any excitement in my life because with excitement comes stress and anxiety and I want to stop thinking about the future and reduce stress and anger. So, I'll live in the today and stop worrying about tomorrow.
that's the 2023 me.
The onset of winter has always been the cruellest month for some people I know. As the days quickly grow darker and the gust of wind blows coldly, it is a reminder to me to remain vigilant. Not just to bundle up. Take care of that cold. Return home before the sun vanishes from the sky. But also to check in and see if there's anything I can do. How to grate less on someone's nerves? How to subtly remind someone that May, by contrast to the approaching cold, is the doorway to the warm summer days that has always acted as a balm to me? That this long, wintry tussle with the demons is a fight worth winning to usher in the next year?
I love Bangtan so much.
The end of the epic 4-day PTD in Las Vegas! And what a fucking finish to a legendary moment in life.
Fav chaotic duo |
Everything felt different somehow in the last show.
Black Swan seemed to have new choreo.
JK seemed even more energetic than his usual self if that's possible.
Tae was so jumpy and happy.
Just model Tae walking the runway lol |
Jimin and JK were cutely running around photobombing the members during Life Goes On. hehe.
Suga inundated with hundreds of 'Yoongi, marry me' posters hahahah. And he was like there are many drive-through wedding places in Las Vegas hahahaha
hahaha |
Speaking of posters - there were many witty and cute ones.
I loved what Hobi was wearing here. (Can't seem to find a full body pic right now)
I was so proud of JK and Hobi's English speeches. They have become so fluent in the language. This motivates me immensely to learn Korean. The Bangtan Academy classes begin in May - I'm so excited!!!!
And Hobi took a moment out of his speech time to thank Jin for still delivering a world class performance despite his injury so that bts on stage looked like the cohesive team they are. I believe Jin seemed really shy and a bit overwhelmed at this praise from his dance leader. During his own speech, Jin expressed regret that he hurt himself which hindered the quality of performance BTS is known for and he apologised to his band members. Tae was having none of that and immediately stood up and went up to Jin to say NO, you are not a burden to us, okay!!! ðŸ˜
Oh the fuzzy warm feelings don't stop there. Joon initiated hugs with his members. Now that makes me proud idk why lol. When he stepped to share his final thoughts, JK went 'our boss' hehehhehehehe.
my fav duo ever |
He was also in a nostalgic mood as he went all the way back to the AHL days when they were cleaning hotels and asking people to come to their concert.
Joon gave a full bow to army. And LAB dance team returned the bow to Bangtan.
THE ENDING WAS LEGENDARY. I mean Joon had been hinting something was coming because he kept saying stay with us till the end. BUT THAT ANNOUNCEMENT!!!!!
When I heard the heard the words 'WE ARE BULLETPROOF' and saw the June 10th date, I literally flopped my legs and squealed loudly and sat up on my bed. hahahaha....After I calmed down, I found my own instinctive reaction so hilarious.
I am so happy. Thank you, BTS for always colouring my life with joy. I will keep praying for only the best things for you.
BTS IS COMING!!
There's one thing I've been increasingly certain of over the past couple of years. I don't want kids of my own.
I have always liked children. I think they are adorable lil humans. And I actually think I'd be a good parent. When I was younger, a family of my own obviously meant children - either one or two girls. I even had names figured out.
But now all that desire is slowly vanishing to be replaced with apathy.
It's nothing to do with currently being single and not having a romantic partner. I was in a long term relationship for a decade. Like most young people, starting a family was always a plan but a very distant one. Somehow, we always had plenty of good reasons to not consider that seriously - not ready for kids, not mature enough, no financial stability. Both of us were definitely not ready to step into the next stage of adulthood.
But I saw plenty of people around me, in the same situation, having kids and while being parents is challenging, they seemed to be doing okay for the most part.
Anyway, I'm just glad I am not a parent at this time. I will continue to love children. I will also be glad that life brought me here to this stage in my life where I am child free and happy about it.
My reasons - which are in no particular order - are as follows.
Feeling a bit down in the dumps. Looking at what I ate since the beginning of the year helps me feel a bit better. How come I don't hav...