A non-essential list of essential joys

I picked up this title and idea some time ago, from somewhere on the internet. I forget where though.

But here's my recent non-essential list of essential joys.

1. Ariana's 34+35 song. Thanks, Namjoon.😁
2. Accomplishing little things at work.
3. Feeling proud of cutting meat from my diet for a week.
4. Losing a bit of my weight.
5. Wearing lipstick.
6. Talking kindly to myself. 'You nice, keep going!'
7. Reading some manga.
8. The Botaworks account on Instagram. I love this account so much.
9. Discussions on motherhood and social conventions.
10. Lazy old me going for an evening walk three times this week.
11. Listening to podcasts on manifestation.
12. Realising that our cats don't have fleas anymore. Yay!

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A post shared by 路上園芸学会 | Ayako Murata (@botaworks)

 

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A post shared by 路上園芸学会 | Ayako Murata (@botaworks)

vague unloading and self-care

Has anyone tried therapy and found it underwhelming? I had been considering it for a long time before I gave it a try.

I took baby steps and tried counselling thrice. The first two times, it felt like the counsellor just wanted me to appear positive just to get her work done. So I just said yes, yes to everything. I was quite emotional during those sessions. It felt difficult to try and control my feelings.

The second session felt a bit different. I liked the counsellor. She seemed interested in listening. Of course, I didn't really unburden every little bit of my despair because it was the first time we had spoken. But I wasn't as emotional as last time. I was ready for it, just in case. However, whatever she was saying just felt so generic. It was probably because I was also only unloading just the vaguest bits of stuff about my problems. I know I shouldn't expect life-changing experiences during my initial chats. But. 

I will probably try this thing a few times. Because it did feel like a step towards self-care. 

There is no 2.0 for me

Why do movies and books get to glamourise everything and why do I fall into their trap? My resentment is especially targeted at the glamourous portrayal of hard work. 

 

One day a character decides they’ve had enough of their present circumstances and they dedicate their brains, time and energy to bettering themselves. They are the 2.0 version of themselves in 2 minutes.

 

I am a lazy mf. 

 

I can sit for hours watching countless YouTube videos mindlessly but I cannot bring myself to do some ‘serious’ learning where my work is concerned. 

 

I don’t have any problem creating this wonderful image of myself devoting time to learn new work stuff or learning a new language. But when it’s time to do the work, I treat it like it’s some dirty work and avoid it like the plague/virus.

 

I go back to my movies and dramas. Then a character works hard and I’m back in dreamland. Yadayada. The cycle continues. 

 

2020 was spent like that. 2021 is proceeding like this. I think my very average mind has broken down and demoted itself to the very very average sphere. In this land of the very very average, there blooms in plenty anger, resentment, self-pity and dullness. 

 

My poor family cannot avoid me and have to live with my insufferable personality. Then I come up to my room and stew in guilt and anger at myself and cry for them. Oh god, you did them dirty. Why did my poor family get me as a daughter/sibling? I berate god loudly as I continue being my shitty self and do not work on myself.

 

My poor friend is tired of my complaints just as I am tired of hers. Yet we both march ahead like dependable soldiers in a battle, each not willing to let go of blind loyalty but probably irritated beyond belief at the same recycled complaints coming out of Whatsapp and Instagram voice messages and reverberating around the walls of our rooms in two different continents. 

 

There is no 2.0 for me. This is it. I am stuck in this degenerate version of me.

 

Fucking hell.

on being human

No one can escape suffering. But maybe the point is we are not meant to. We are meant to feel the pain so that we can understand ourselves, our trigger points and what makes us vulnerable. Maybe the pain is supposed to teach us how to protect ourselves and those around us the next time? 

Maybe the point is to appreciate the happier, calmer, even the more mundane times when we are not suffering? 

But, oh how conveniently, we forget one when the other comes for a visit.

I am trying to tell myself that I am not special for feeling pained or feeling happy. But when you are suffering or happy then you can only see yourself and feel yourself. That's when you start taking centre stage like never before. The shadow of your doom grows, grows, grows. It is immense and easily dwarfs you. The sweet happy emotions, when they come, rush in to envelop you tightly. It's like you were never miserable.

I guess that's also when you either feel defenceless or invincible.

No one can escape their feelings. And suffering is a condition of the human being.

new year, Monday, and me

My RJ plushie arrived sooner than expected. Well done, delivery service!

newly arrived RJ with old pal Koya

And being back at work is not stressful (as evidenced by my taking the time to write this during work hours). I just woke up and decided to conquer the day. 

I'm lying.

It just happened. That's the beauty of life, isn't it? One worries and stresses till the back of their head starts grating and pounding. Nausea rises up. But oh well, when D-day is here, miraculously, it is just like any other mildly pleasant day at work. hehehehehe. Love that for me.

I want to try to incorporate this into my daily life. 

Stop sweating the small stuff. Letting go of trivial issues. Not focusing on the big problems before they actually have to be dealt with. Breath in, breath out. Repeat X. 

Also, Weverse published Yoongi's interview today and he once again reiterated on that notion of not scrambling after perfection. "You"ll never release anything if you nitpick everything."

Yes, Yoongi, you are right. We just got to enjoy the process of ideating, creating, and releasing whatever we are working on. But I guess perfectionists or those with a particular vision have it hard. My heart and support are with them. 

I, on the other hand, will try to emulate what Yoongi says so that I can stress less. Life's hard enough already. No one needs the baggage of work stress.

May we have a better, safer new year. 2020 - be gone, and take your global pandemic with you!!