FUCK YOU.......but I still love you very much, 25/21

I'm absolutely livid at that last bit they showed at that ep finale!!! Why the fuck would you rub salt on my wound??? I'm never recovering from this betrayal ever. All that fan theories I read and held on to with the biggest hopes have been dashed.. ARGHHHHHHH I'm so miserable...

DEEP BREATHSSS

There was a big moment that stood out to me from ep 16 (apart from that nasty bit at the very end)...The scene in between the episode in the tunnel where they thrash out their issues. It felt so real and emotional I almost forgot I was watching a show. I've never ever felt that the stuff I was watching was actually being played out in real life. It was really a strange feeling to lose it for a few seconds. I truly believed in that moment where they were breaking up and then Heedo asks Yijin if he ever loved her and he is incredulous and angry at the question. Then as she leaves, he calls out to her twice. That entire scene was brilliant.

I don't want to make this all about the fucking finale but I do want to say that despite my deep anger and desire to curse the writer/director this very moment, I think they are amazing and I loved this show with all my heart. After a slew of uninspiring, boring shows that I have been watching recently, this one was excellent and jam packed with all that makes a drama beautiful, loved and enduring.

Kim Taeri, I have loved you ever since I watched Little Forest and The Handmaiden. Nam Joohyuk, I thought you were just eye-candy and I'm sorry I didn't respect your talent apart from enjoying your work in Weightlifting Fairy Kim Bok Soo. 

Now I think you both are the greatest thing since sliced bread. The characters of Na Heedo and Baek Yijin are tailor made for you. 

I love all the other characters - Go Yurim, Moon Jiwoong, Ji Seungwan.  I love the fan/rival/friend relationship between Heedo and Yurim. I love the friendship of Jiwoong and Seungwan. I loved how Heedo's mother was such a career woman. I loved Yijin's mom being so openly and deeply in love with her husband. 

The writer/s did an amazing job taking us back to the time of the South Korean financial crisis and showing us how it impacted the people there. There's a lot to unpack here about this but I will leave it to people who know about this better and can articulate it.

I can't write anymore because my heart hurts and I'm angry about the ending. But let me put on my mature and subjective hat on for this sentence and admit that the story did not NOT make sense. Not every love story gets a happy ending and that's okay.  I just have never wished so hard for a Korean drama to be cliche. I will never ever take that for granted now. 

Let me go back to crying and mending my broken heart.

blueside

 Today has been one of those days when I want oblivion. 

all the bad days, they're everywhere now

where are the words to explain how I feel? how many ways are there to examine this erupting mountain of memories and loss? why do I feel so torn between taking the next big step? one minute I feel certain it is the right way, the only way, to go. another moment passes by and I hear his voice say 'so everything's my fault? you think you never did anything wrong?'. then all that certainty dissolves to form a bitter pool of tears. i am a storm of rage. why? why? you know what you did wrong!!! how could you not know the different ways you lessened my being? yet why do i still make excuses for you in my head? why does it still hurt to think i might be causing you sorrow? this world's take on relationships and struggles is confusing me. am i supposed to forgive past transgressions because this is what relationships are all about? because this is what being a partner means - giving chances, working on your problems, forging a new path in life together. but what if I can't afford to give him chances because he had 10 years to be better, do better but all he did was continue being the worst version of himself. 

I am sorry to the woman i was for shrinking, for forgetting, for forgiving. 

support

you ever wonder how to give your support to someone in a way it doesn't contribute to tipping them off/making them spiral down to negativity? how do you 'support' people who are living their lives as if they are peering down the face of a cliff where the tempo of the wind is rising in strange bursts? there is no not supporting them. all right? you want to support them, be there for them. but sometimes it feels you are part of the problem. that you are the one who could actually be giving them a nudge towards the cliff. like the time, you helped them cover a lie. it was just a small lie. but then is it ever just a 'small' one with them? has it ever been? so how do you deal with the complicated mess of emotions when you tell them, yes, i will lie for you, i will support you. you don't wish to be enabling their deep despair or be feeding their clamouring souls that always seem ready to spring out. so how do you support someone?