Mosaic

Our lives are intertwined. It's been half a decade and I still pray to gods that are not mine. At home, we add green sprouts to our chatpatey, after a relative I don't talk to at all or even particularly like, made it for me. If I come across news about a football club or a footballer, I still wish them good luck because they are a favourite of a partner some years past. I've been meaning to read a book ever since a friend said she loved it and every time I see the book or author mentioned, I remember I need to read it because my friend loves this book. 

Black coffee reminds me of another friend. Different comic books are forever tied to different sets of people. 

'I am a mosaic of everyone I've ever loved, even for a heartbeat.'

one night in December

think about how life is haunting

how it pricks and pins you 

as you struggle

how haunting it is 

in its beauty

or is it despair

like a yellowed afternoon

that is both soft and scarred

depending on the memory it contains

do you hold on to life

do you thrash to unwrap it claws off you

what do you do

what do you do

you do not know

you do not understand

all you do

all you know

life is haunting

it haunts you

from the moment you experienced your first heartbreak

you discovered your friends gossiping about you

it broke your heart

or maybe you found your mother counting pennies

and it was a peculiar feeling seeing her stack up those coins

the slight air of helplessness permeating the air

something reared its ugly head

when your lover called you names, not of endearment

the sound of a heart breaking, into twos and fours

are you doing well?

Spent 10 mins yesterday crying over the masterpiece that is Jaurim's 25, 21

Something about her voice and the atmosphere of the song always gets me. The words she sings can feel so simple but each one is dripping with meaning and life. This song has stood the test of time. 

This led me to think about other songs that have pulled me in. I've never thought of myself as a music lover. I think that's because I always measure passion by the yardstick of my deep love for books and stories. I love books so much. To give an example, I get teary-eyed when I come across booktubers who are clearly so excited and passionate. There was this one person who was filming his reaction to some book award and he was so nervous as if he was the one up for the award. These days I don't have the best feeling about existing so this experience made me feel glad to be alive.

Back to songs that stir my heart in inexplicable ways

• Sajjan Raj Vaidya - Hataarindai, Bataasindai
• Jerusha Rai - Barud
• ONE OK ROCK- We Are
• Jannabi - For Lovers Who Hesitate
• Epic High Ft. Tuna - No Different

sneaking in Jaurim's 25, 21 again as a reminder

how to be happy

 I find myself typing 'how to be happy' - seeking answers on the internet, hoping someone smarter and wiser than me has already found the answer and will teach me.

I don't know what I'm looking for. 

I can't manage my stress levels the way the internet tells me I should.

I hate exercising so that's out.

I think I have a good handle on my negative thoughts and typically practice 'good thoughts' quite well but that's got me nowhere.

So, I am back to square one. I have nothing to do but type 'how to be happy'.

There's no answer. No human has found the answer, it seems.

We were all forced to exist. We make do because that's all we can do. Then we die. Death isn't even a relief according to what some people say. Apparently, our consciousness continues to exist in the ether. And that's somehow worse. Floating and floating. Cursed to be aware of everything for eternity. 

I'm so glad I don't have a child cursed with the burden of existence

carry on

what does being 33 feel like?

this really is my last month being 33. 

shouldn't i feel wiser, braver, stronger, and have a settled core (whatever that means)?

but instead, here i am, still lost and scared, more times than i can count.

some days i feel brave. some days i feel strong. and that makes me feel resolute about living this life with gratitude.

but then i retreat to this by-now familiar cloak. it is coarse but comfortable. one that i would like to throw off permanently. 

33

what a grand sounding age.

but the number of years i've existed has been nothing valuable. or interesting. or accomplished.

is this all that's left of life? growing older by day. body decomposing, mind rotting, spirit growing weak.

we are taught to find a spot for ourself in this factory-like structure of society. the study, work, socialise, live structure of life that we are expected to conform to and slip our existence into. the trophies we collect along the way - the certificates from school, the promotions and increased pay at work, the invitations we garner from friends and acquaintances. we are supposed to have a certain number of these. this is to depict where we stand in this factory of existence. but are these actually trophies or traps to ensure our conformity and acquiescence?

33

some say this is still a young age, not terribly young but still youthful when in comparison to the decades of living we have left ahead.

so, plenty of time to make mistakes, ponder, regret and carry on.

New diet for the nth time

I am quite fed up of putting on weight, being unhealthy, and having a sloth-like and sedentary lifestyle. I also hate exercising. 

But suddenly I'm worried about my physical health as it pertains to the coming years. Must be the side-effect of being in my 30s, living with family, and this pandemic situation. 

I used to be very skinny way back when I was a teenager and in my 20s. But in the late 20s and these recent years, I have been finding it difficult to reconcile myself with the image in the mirror. I know one should embrace their body and love the weight one is in - but I am so unhealthy due to lack of movement and exercise. I can't join the body positivity movement just yet.

Anyway, I am starting a 'watch my food intake' journey. To be absolutely honest, this is a familiar journey that I've been on a few thousand times. I've done crash dieting, Intermittent Fasting, weekly fasting, and no-meat week, two days of complete fasting....Like everything else in life, only consistent effort pays off when you are trying to lose weight or inculcate a habit. Sigh!

But with my laziness and dislike of exercises there seems to be nothing else left but keeping a tight leash on what I consume. 

• Milk-sugar tea/coffee only once a week
• No biscuits/cookies
• No chips
• Cut down on rice 
• At least one fruit everyday
• Lots of water
• More veggies 
• More beans and daal

I've already started the 'no tea' thing and have also started eating more fruits. Let's see how long I can stick to this, yeah!

Hope I lose my excess weight. I also pray for a miracle and I start exercising. 

(I know I could exercise right now but I know I won't so that's why I'm praying for a miracle!)

This morning I came across these insightful statements by Haruki Murakami in his book - What I Talk About When I Talk About Running. 

The man has been running for a really, really long time. And what he writes about interest trumping willpower when it comes to an activity one is not naturally inclined towards or doing something for the long run - that is absolutely true.

If I were not in love with reading, I would have quit happily when I was in the throes of a reading slump  the past couple of years. And I'm the unhealthiest I've ever been with the most weight gain in my life but I can't, for the life of me, find the willpower to exercise.

on being human

No one can escape suffering. But maybe the point is we are not meant to. We are meant to feel the pain so that we can understand ourselves, our trigger points and what makes us vulnerable. Maybe the pain is supposed to teach us how to protect ourselves and those around us the next time? 

Maybe the point is to appreciate the happier, calmer, even the more mundane times when we are not suffering? 

But, oh how conveniently, we forget one when the other comes for a visit.

I am trying to tell myself that I am not special for feeling pained or feeling happy. But when you are suffering or happy then you can only see yourself and feel yourself. That's when you start taking centre stage like never before. The shadow of your doom grows, grows, grows. It is immense and easily dwarfs you. The sweet happy emotions, when they come, rush in to envelop you tightly. It's like you were never miserable.

I guess that's also when you either feel defenceless or invincible.

No one can escape their feelings. And suffering is a condition of the human being.