working from home

week 3 of work from home is going exactly like this.

6:00 to 7:30 - alarms going off to maintain a semblance of my former waking up routine

8:00 - open eyes

8:10 - check social media, write drowsy replies to friends, close eyes

8:30 - check social media, rewrite better replies to friends, close eyes

8:45 - wake the fuck up, bathroom, tea

9:00 to 5:30 - emails, work a bit, play a few games, hope my boss doesn't call me, music, chat with friends, zone out, pretend to work, get distracted by music, stop the music, rush to complete work before 5:30 ........ 

5:30 - close the laptop and go pee, come back, open laptop for fun time

*bed is workstation

*lunch can happen any time 

find me a therapist

who knows😑

when you can't express or explain how or why you've been acting a certain way for the past two years.

a lazy person's guide to manifesting......good stuff

ummm I'm always looking for things which require the least amount of energy and so here's what I personally do.

vision boards are easy to create. well, mine is kind of bare and not pleasant looking at all but it has worked for me.

1. tear off pages from unused diaries 
2. if you don't have a board, just get a chart paper in its stead.
3. list stuff I want - the sun, stars, the moon
4. if I want money, I take a leaf off of my chequebook, write down an amount and stick in the vision board - BAM! 

least effort required/easiest things to do

1. since i am on throw the rubbish-out-duty, I make it a point to look at the stars and make a wish on each 
2. on my way to work or back home or wherever, I throw a 'thank you, god'. then I sneak in a request.
3. whenever I remember to, i repeat things in the present tense - i live alone in a cozy flat, i am exercising regularly, i travel to new places every year (law of attraction demands you speak out your desires as if it is already happening)

why I think these work

1. idk but they do😌. but I wish to add that they take time to manifest if you're too lazy like me and only do it ocassionally.
2. everyone says it is because you're repeating good, positive stuff (affirmations) all the time and that sticks to your brain and viola! you're like 'let's get it!!'

giggles

me, by myself, feeling happy

is it weird that I feel deep deep happiness when I suddenly think of books in general or even Goodreads and some Korean dramas? I'm like yahoooo (but in my heart so that no one thinks I'm crazy).

I'm not the only one, am I?

I hope everyone has something/s that gives you warmth and love and excitement.

ahem

chronicles of my crying episodes

So yeah. This happened. 👆

It is a coping mechanism, really. I can't afford therapy. Heard it is £50 a session??? I would need plenty of sessions to unpack my perfected version of 'fucked up on the inside but all bland and boring on the outside'.

Like most people, I am avoiding life. Sometimes I am successful and then I read books and watch stuff on Netflix and YouTube. I go to work. I hide in my room.

Sometimes my issues creep up when I am chilling by myself and unsuspecting. One minute I'm watching a reaction video and then BAMMMM!!

Or I am at work, listening to music and typing stuff, when suddenly unwelcome and work inappropriate thoughts take root.

Or I am on the train/bus....or reading an old message....or taking a shower.

I've been questioning myself for a long time now. What do I really want from life? My heart feels so uncomfortably full. This confusion is unbearable. It sits sharply, weighing like the heavy slaps of crashing waves. I want comfort but the place where I previously sought comfort doesn't exist- not really, not for me.

I want to stay the same. I don't want this change. I want to be the same old me. Why and how did this come out- I am the last person capable of explaining this rationally but everyone keeps asking me. I am just as stumped as they are.

I tell myself, better days will come ahead. When melancholy Korean songs won't mess with my emotions. When certain smells won't push me back to the past. When flickers of memories will not feel both precious and haunting- they will just be happy memories.

more like Jo Yi-seo, please

Who doesn't like sassy, unapologetic, rude, good-hearted female characters? well, people who bear the burnt of these amazing leads' scorn, that's who.

Everyone in K-drama land is talking about Jo Yi-seo these days. Itaewon Class on Netflix might have had a grand farewell yesterday but Yi-seo is going to be around for some time. She packs such a punch, right from the get go. 

I absolutely loved her attitude because I am definitely not like her. She is not pristine but that's precisely why she is amazing. Not that I am perfect or anything close to that. SHE is amazing and unforgettable. I am more on the mediocre side.

Yi-seo is rude. She is selfish. She doesn't take things lying down. There's no turning the other cheek from her. She also exhibits narrow-mindedness on different occasions. But when she is given the opportunity to understand why her attitude is not right, she doesn't hesitate to apologise or right her wrong.

She loves wholeheartedly. She doesn't bother about putting herself first. She is so confident. 

best of the best K dramas

just a list of a handful of Korean dramas that I have really really loved.

• Reply 1988

• My Mister

• One Spring Night

• Goblin

• Misaeng 

• Reply1997

• Something in the Rain

• Miss Hammurabi

• Reply 1994

• Just Between Lovers

• Weightlifting Fairy Kim Bok-Joo

• The Smile Has Left Your Eyes

crying in the shower, laughing in the shower

isn't life amazing?

one minute, you are crying in the shower.  the next, you are trying to remember the words to a BTS song and then laughing loudly because you remembered something from one of their videos.

and you are rinsing your hair, all through this seesaw of emotions.

inch

a second

a second, that is all

inches of time

like bottomless fall

waves crashing 

unsuspecting, wailing

thunderstorm, lashing

shake off

an inch

an inch

traffic, passing

hands, shaking

air, standing

I am, living

take comfort

would somebody please just do a comprehensive research on the impact of BTS on their listeners and fans across the world?

yes, they are a huge source of entertainment. their songs are amazing. they dance like........ they are fucking charming. let me get all these crossed off the list.

but, personally, I think the people who listen to BTS and then stay, do so because BTS is a source of hope and comfort. it is comforting to see young men work hard, be fun, be silly, struggle with their own issues, and try to help others. this is the epitome of normal young people everywhere, I believe. because all of us are just trying to live and be better, every day. we want to do more than survive. but we struggle to be happy for more than a few days continuously. so we try to find peace, hope and comfort where we can. and we share. we reach out to family and friends. friends and family. we share. we discuss. our cries are our own. but then we try to take a breath and remember we have a tomorrow where perhaps we can have a better day.

their thoughts aren't exactly revolutionary. but the world hasn't seen a group of young artists like BTS before. and I say this because no where has there been artists who've connected with masses- transcending race and language- as they have. there's love. and there's love.

they are special because they aren't perfect. they try. they project. they try. they fail. sometimes, they share. and that is special.

young people will listen to their music. watch their videos. laugh with them, at them, for them. and then they will remember each member for their individual stories. they will save memes. they will make memories. they will internalise what a member said that touched them deeply. if they take that to heart, maybe we will have a world where we have an army of empathetic and strong human beings who believe that sorrow and hurt is meant for us all but it doesn't have to spell the end for us. 

Okay, Bangtan songs, line up!

• Persona
• Serendipity 
• Trivia: Love
• Come Back Home
• Ddaeng
• Trivia: Seesaw
• Shadow
• Lie
• Dionysus 
• Adult Child
• Born Singer
• Anpaman
• Baepsae
• Epiphany
• Her
• Answer: Love Myself
• Home
• Move
• Magic Shop
• Miss Right
• The Truth Untold
• Spring Day

Some of my favourite songs that I could just list off the top of my head. The line up varies, but Persona is always leading it.

These songs seem almost magical because of the meaning behind the words, the performances and the music. The perfect blend of all three essential ingredients. Just immerses the listeners in a sea of emotions.

The words to their songs bring up strong emotional responses within me, especially Epiphany, Come Back Home, Answer: Love Myself and Home. A lot of listeners will be able to identify with the lines in the songs because love, struggles, exhaustion, the need for rest and comfort are universal.

incomplete

I tried meditation today. It was difficult because I felt like I was doing it all wrong. I am looking for a more authentic source learn from. Someone send me instructions!

I would like to think I practice mindfulness every day, but the truth is I am leaning more towards selfish thoughts. Maybe that is where I should start.

what gives you courage?

sometimes, it is the cheers of a friend. often times, it is a flash of memory of times gone by that reassures my heart.

courage

we, perhaps, find the most courage when we manage to summon up belief in ourselves, from the deep recess of our soul.

knowing that you have to get through a task or meet the inevitable, and just ploughing through it, no deep thinking to hold me back, that is a courageous act for me. because I was someone who would worry a lot and think and rethink and deep think and just fall more and more into this pit of shame, self-pity and anger at the world. 

now I just jump into whatever comes with this blazing thought that “What's comin' will come, an' we'll meet it when it does.”