Today is the last day of my three-day annual leave. It is 1:48 pm as I type this. My mind is simultaneously a clean blank slate and a rioter's mess. How is that possible? Why am I contradicting myself? Yet, it is. I guess this is just what life is?
I see people around me - by people, I mean, women - and I see how they have the trappings of adult life all figured out and achieved. They are smart, with a good career, a healthy happy family, nice social life, blahblah. I know all too well the facade of social media but I know that for many it is still a resounding truth - a successful adult life.
And I wonder why I don't seem to want half the things I am supposed to want. I am 33. Am I not supposed to want to be happily married, start a family, have an active social life, pursue interesting hobbies?
My thoughts are scattered, as always. Nothing makes sense. Let me try, anyway.
I am an adult. I am an adult? Fuck.
Aren't adult humans supposed to be strong, settled, rich, happy, and successful?
Why is the barometer of success always the same?
Actually, the question should be - why are we afraid of carving our own path if we don't subscribe to the common notion of contentment? We rage privately against what we consider the yoke of societal rules and expectations. But we meekly put our head down and trudge along to join the ranks of millions of peers.
Sometimes I feel brave enough to dream and want things my sane self believes I can never have. My sane self is the individual who grew up believing that we must acquire a college degree, go on to get a Masters degree, have a great career, marry at an appropriate age, bear kids, buy a house.
People just give you a picture of the things you are supposed to want. Here is education - you must get it and like it and get good marks to show your skill at being educated. Here is career - you must get a good job and get paid nicely enough to be able to buy a few things and to save up. Here is marriage - you must get married before you are too old otherwise no good man will want you. Here is kids - have two or three and please give birth to sons, if possible, if not, then make it possible.
No one teaches us what is inside these life milestones that we are supposed to reach. Oh, and the marriage and the kids part - we have to execute all these at the right time- not too early or too late - otherwise you are a sad creature or a weirdo or just plain unlucky.
So as I was saying, no one teaches us what or how we are supposed to navigate these adult things? We are just supposed to wing it like the rest of the world is doing. As children or young adults, we see everyone walking around happily existing in their adult selves and we end up believing that this adult thing is easy. That it is being young (teens and 20s) that is hard.
That's why when you are in your 30s and suddenly find yourself angsty and confused and lost and angry, it is like the sky fell on your head and life is so much harder than when you were 21, broke, unemployed and in the throes of young love but you had the optimism of youth.
Now what do you have?
Bills to pay, fear of incompetence because you are an adult and as such must have your shit together and be competent, adult goals you don't want but everyone tells you is desirable and you're confused, the dreams that you actually have but everyone makes you feel is stupid and unattainable.
Life's ...good???
I want to borrow some of the optimism and passion of my younger self, exchange my adult sane self for my brave younger spirit, and see if I can throw caution in the wind and hope I 'get there'.
