Goodbye, sadgirlsummer

It is a tentative feeling. 

But I recognise it more easily these days though it does still elude me. I am feeling whole in a way I never expected to. Not since the past couple of years.

Like most adults, I have my fair share of problems stemming from self reflection, relationship and career issues. I worry I am not enough, that I don't know how to be better, that I don't how to do better. 

Questions whirled around my head - 'Why can't I accept things the way they are?', 'Why am I not able to make more effort?', 'Am I doomed to feel this way forever?'.

It would be amiss if I said I was unhappy all the time. There have been happy, pleasant times, too. But those moments felt like patches of sunlight in a deep winter. Precious but not enough. Never enough. 

Does adult angst wound more?

I played conversations over and over in my head. I wondered if I were building myself up to be a victim. Why was I angry all the time? All I wanted to do (and still do) was lay down in my bed and disappear inside. I am also sick of being the nice person everyone thinks I am. Because these tags don't stop there. They are a burden, adding so much pressure on you to carry on the persona just because it is expected of you and you are too 'nice' to upset the equilibrium. 

Too many months were spent mourning and moping. Just tooooo much feelings.

*cue cringe badly written poem

Dark clouds overhead

Who's crying over there?

Seems like only yesterday

Bright skies were everywhere

Now we're muffled

Now we're puzzled

Fine, fine, we say

Shadows, shadows, all the days

But if being on furlough has given me anything, it is the luxury of time without having to worry too much about money. This time has been put to use. To beat myself up and berate myself. 

Now I am exhausted. I think I want better for myself. 

There, I said it. I want better for myself. 

Now I ask myself - 'Who says I can't have the best version of me yet?'.

I'm reconciling my bold snarky inner self with the 'nice' outer persona. No rule in the world says I can't be both. 

This summer I am beginning to believe in myself.