New diet for the nth time

I am quite fed up of putting on weight, being unhealthy, and having a sloth-like and sedentary lifestyle. I also hate exercising. 

But suddenly I'm worried about my physical health as it pertains to the coming years. Must be the side-effect of being in my 30s, living with family, and this pandemic situation. 

I used to be very skinny way back when I was a teenager and in my 20s. But in the late 20s and these recent years, I have been finding it difficult to reconcile myself with the image in the mirror. I know one should embrace their body and love the weight one is in - but I am so unhealthy due to lack of movement and exercise. I can't join the body positivity movement just yet.

Anyway, I am starting a 'watch my food intake' journey. To be absolutely honest, this is a familiar journey that I've been on a few thousand times. I've done crash dieting, Intermittent Fasting, weekly fasting, and no-meat week, two days of complete fasting....Like everything else in life, only consistent effort pays off when you are trying to lose weight or inculcate a habit. Sigh!

But with my laziness and dislike of exercises there seems to be nothing else left but keeping a tight leash on what I consume. 

• Milk-sugar tea/coffee only once a week
• No biscuits/cookies
• No chips
• Cut down on rice 
• At least one fruit everyday
• Lots of water
• More veggies 
• More beans and daal

I've already started the 'no tea' thing and have also started eating more fruits. Let's see how long I can stick to this, yeah!

Hope I lose my excess weight. I also pray for a miracle and I start exercising. 

(I know I could exercise right now but I know I won't so that's why I'm praying for a miracle!)

This morning I came across these insightful statements by Haruki Murakami in his book - What I Talk About When I Talk About Running. 

The man has been running for a really, really long time. And what he writes about interest trumping willpower when it comes to an activity one is not naturally inclined towards or doing something for the long run - that is absolutely true.

If I were not in love with reading, I would have quit happily when I was in the throes of a reading slump  the past couple of years. And I'm the unhealthiest I've ever been with the most weight gain in my life but I can't, for the life of me, find the willpower to exercise.

new year, Monday, and me

My RJ plushie arrived sooner than expected. Well done, delivery service!

newly arrived RJ with old pal Koya

And being back at work is not stressful (as evidenced by my taking the time to write this during work hours). I just woke up and decided to conquer the day. 

I'm lying.

It just happened. That's the beauty of life, isn't it? One worries and stresses till the back of their head starts grating and pounding. Nausea rises up. But oh well, when D-day is here, miraculously, it is just like any other mildly pleasant day at work. hehehehehe. Love that for me.

I want to try to incorporate this into my daily life. 

Stop sweating the small stuff. Letting go of trivial issues. Not focusing on the big problems before they actually have to be dealt with. Breath in, breath out. Repeat X. 

Also, Weverse published Yoongi's interview today and he once again reiterated on that notion of not scrambling after perfection. "You"ll never release anything if you nitpick everything."

Yes, Yoongi, you are right. We just got to enjoy the process of ideating, creating, and releasing whatever we are working on. But I guess perfectionists or those with a particular vision have it hard. My heart and support are with them. 

I, on the other hand, will try to emulate what Yoongi says so that I can stress less. Life's hard enough already. No one needs the baggage of work stress.

May we have a better, safer new year. 2020 - be gone, and take your global pandemic with you!! 

a great existence

 

This quote encapsulates my recent years. 

I used to worry continuously about every little thing. A bad thing became worse after I played around with it in my head, feeding my demons. I made mountains out of molehills. It was especially horrible when I had to deal with new circumstances. Self-doubt is a bitch!

Then when I entered my 30s, I suddenly found myself caring less. It is weird because I don't associate the last couple of years with great fun or happiness. But it's been valuable because I have started to outgrow certain negative things and lean into a better mindset in other ways. 

Thanks, Phoebe.

A poem for small things

*written sometime in April

 

 

Every day now, time is a concept, divided into four parts. Time for tea after I wake up, time during the day when I’m in bed in front of my laptop, time to go downstairs to cook dinner, time for myself after dinner.

 

These four periods are tied together by a common thread. I offer a poem for small things.

 

I look at accounts dedicated to plants on Instagram. They transport me out of my sometimes frankly stale world into a fresher, healthier realm. I also want to understand what the writer intends to say in their native language but the translation is off. ‘Space valid’ – I ponder over this translation for a few seconds and suppose that they probably meant to write the space has been used well and give my own conclusion my stamp of approval.

 

I scroll through Tumblr blogs, marvelling at the sheer witticisms of people.  

 

I love how BTS fans love the group so much they have created cool animated videos, hilarious memes, countless videos to form a cohesive story about why BTS deserves this love. This feeds into my admiration for the artists. ARMY, you are amazing!

 

I am happy we have eggs and flour and lemons at home.

 

I am grateful we have a big freezer. Though it is half empty now, we can still stock up when we’re really running low.

 

I am grateful we have more females than males in this house. Sometimes, I wonder if my aunt loves my brother this much because she practically raised him or because he is the only son in this house. 

 

And sometimes, I wonder at the miracle of believing that anything is possible for me now.

 

This time has proved to be indispensable – I needed to recalibrate. I feel less and less like myself every day. Or am I more and more like myself? I wasn’t this irritable. I wasn’t this cruel. I wasn’t this stupid. I wasn’t this egoistic (perhaps that’s preferable to being egotistic..:P). But I am now.

 

I need to calm down. I need to regroup my emotions and thoughts. If I continue along this path, I am nervous about where I will end up. There are dark clouds all the time now.  

 

This quarantine period has given me clarity on the small things that give me so much joy. The things and feelings that come up unprompted. When I am offered a cup of tea suddenly. When I feel a burst of energy and inspiration to make dinner and I’m alone in the kitchen. When I slip into fresh sheets after a refreshing shower at night and I pat myself on the back for having that energy to change my sheets at some point during the day.

 

And then sometimes, my small things are unpleasant for other people. Am I even allowed to share these? Like, I am joyous when I manage to sneak downstairs without encountering my family. I feel satisfied when I can take a whole day without any of them asking me why I’m in my room always. When I can grab food but my family’s around but they don’t talk to me and I successfully run upstairs to my sanctuary. I am ashamed to admit this but it is my small victory.

 

I dream of living alone all the time. I dream of being able to hang around in my balcony or in the backyard without having anyone around. I dream of cooking when and what I want. 

 

I offer a prayer I don’t have a child. I wouldn’t be a good parent in this present state of mind. It is quite sad considering I’d always imagined I would have started a family at this age. Now I’m not even sure I want a child at all.

 

Nothing is small if it brings you joy. Nothing is small if it brings you pain. Because that second of emotion is all you’re feeling at that time. You’re awash with love or sorrow. That’s all you know right that moment.

 

So, I say a poem for my small things. 

Goodbye, sadgirlsummer

It is a tentative feeling. 

But I recognise it more easily these days though it does still elude me. I am feeling whole in a way I never expected to. Not since the past couple of years.

Like most adults, I have my fair share of problems stemming from self reflection, relationship and career issues. I worry I am not enough, that I don't know how to be better, that I don't how to do better. 

Questions whirled around my head - 'Why can't I accept things the way they are?', 'Why am I not able to make more effort?', 'Am I doomed to feel this way forever?'.

It would be amiss if I said I was unhappy all the time. There have been happy, pleasant times, too. But those moments felt like patches of sunlight in a deep winter. Precious but not enough. Never enough. 

Does adult angst wound more?

I played conversations over and over in my head. I wondered if I were building myself up to be a victim. Why was I angry all the time? All I wanted to do (and still do) was lay down in my bed and disappear inside. I am also sick of being the nice person everyone thinks I am. Because these tags don't stop there. They are a burden, adding so much pressure on you to carry on the persona just because it is expected of you and you are too 'nice' to upset the equilibrium. 

Too many months were spent mourning and moping. Just tooooo much feelings.

*cue cringe badly written poem

Dark clouds overhead

Who's crying over there?

Seems like only yesterday

Bright skies were everywhere

Now we're muffled

Now we're puzzled

Fine, fine, we say

Shadows, shadows, all the days

But if being on furlough has given me anything, it is the luxury of time without having to worry too much about money. This time has been put to use. To beat myself up and berate myself. 

Now I am exhausted. I think I want better for myself. 

There, I said it. I want better for myself. 

Now I ask myself - 'Who says I can't have the best version of me yet?'.

I'm reconciling my bold snarky inner self with the 'nice' outer persona. No rule in the world says I can't be both. 

This summer I am beginning to believe in myself. 

a lazy person's guide to manifesting......good stuff

ummm I'm always looking for things which require the least amount of energy and so here's what I personally do.

vision boards are easy to create. well, mine is kind of bare and not pleasant looking at all but it has worked for me.

1. tear off pages from unused diaries 
2. if you don't have a board, just get a chart paper in its stead.
3. list stuff I want - the sun, stars, the moon
4. if I want money, I take a leaf off of my chequebook, write down an amount and stick in the vision board - BAM! 

least effort required/easiest things to do

1. since i am on throw the rubbish-out-duty, I make it a point to look at the stars and make a wish on each 
2. on my way to work or back home or wherever, I throw a 'thank you, god'. then I sneak in a request.
3. whenever I remember to, i repeat things in the present tense - i live alone in a cozy flat, i am exercising regularly, i travel to new places every year (law of attraction demands you speak out your desires as if it is already happening)

why I think these work

1. idk but they do😌. but I wish to add that they take time to manifest if you're too lazy like me and only do it ocassionally.
2. everyone says it is because you're repeating good, positive stuff (affirmations) all the time and that sticks to your brain and viola! you're like 'let's get it!!'