umm... what's happening?!?

 I'm finally starting to lose it, I think. This lockdown is getting to me. 

I actually switched off from Netflix to WORK because I couldn't find any joy in watching my Korean dramas anymore. I can't believe this shit. Doing some WORK is way more entertaining than WATCHING K DRAMAS!!! 

I'm tired.

thank you, next??

This is for every lie I tell myself when I'm trying not to panic or have a meltdown.
 

Everything in dust

 The mood shitstorm is hauling me from one end to another. Today is down in the dumps day. I can't concentrate on work. I feel like I hate everyone. Guilt bangs away. I overslept. Woke up at 9:10. Work is supposed to start at 9.

I feel so unmotivated to work. There's this massive THANK GOD IT'S FRIDAY feeling.

There must be many people feeling the way I am but that's not a comforting thing to know. It just hammers home the scary feeling that we are all doomed. This is probably just my theatrics taking centre stage. But I wanna curl up and sleep and never feel anything ever again.

Wednesday, December 16th. Some goodbyes were long overdue. It wasn't the earth-shattering transformation that I was dreading. In fact, it was quite the opposite. Just felt so plain and grey. Maybe that's where the earth-shattering lies - in those moments of despair that is held back, tightly contained within the little space we occupy in this world, in the desperate clutching and weighing of our grief. The grief we're afraid to truly acknowledge and show.

Everything is slathered in grey. Everything in dust.

But who can stop the dust particles from floating about?

Maybe these particles are also crying out loud, trying to find their way back wherever home was for them? And that's where this disjointed feeling comes from. Our empty souls clanging and reverberating, clamouring for things that cannot be and should not be, but once was.

Monday moans

 

I love working from home. 

I'm actually dreading the day we will have to return to the 'normal' that was and join the rat race. 

But there's always some drawback. What is life without a few anxieties to keep you awake every now and then?

So my new enemy is this feeling that perhaps I'm not doing enough. With no boss physically around to check up on me, it can be quite difficult to show my work. Also, I'm actually working under two people so it can be quite confusing at times.

Questions that plague me during my work hours.

• Am I supposed to be doing more?
• But what is the 'more' I'm supposed to be doing?
• Should I be reaching out to my bosses to ask for more work just to show I'm willing? 
• But if I feel I have enough on my plate, should I be taking on more work?
• What if I take on some more work just to impress my bosses but find myself overwhelmed?

Nothing is ever easy, is it? I've been trying to assuage my fears by telling myself that if there was more work to be done, I would have been informed about it. I have always met my deadlines and never refused any work. So this is the best I can do and I'm trying my best to do my best.

But yes, we never know anything for sure unless we know something for sure. HEHE. I don't know if I'm making sense. I just wanted to vent. 

Tonight

I cried five nights in a row. Like clockwork. Woke up next morning with swollen eyes. Aching back. Tonight I'm an eagle, soaring high. High on coffee. Kanye is singing about golddiggers. I am not taking in the misogynistic lyrics tonight beause I'm feeling the beat.

'Look at the wildflower'

 Okay, life pro tip #∞

'Just do it'

👀

Okay, okay - let me explain.

I bet a lot of us drown in the belief that if we're not good enough at something then there's no point in doing it or talking about it. Essentially, we consider that to have been a waste of time and effort. 

Case in point - I want to make short videos but I can't even take good photographs, why do I even think I can make videos?

Or someone may enjoy baking but their cakes/cookies might not be all that they hope for.  Or someone else loves painting. It relaxes them. They enjoy playing with colours. But their paintings do not reflect the image they had in their heads. So they think they are absolutely terrible at it and should stop wasting their time.

So this article I read said something like this - (I'm paraphrasing here) - The main point is that we're doing something we are interested in and enjoy. That itself holds value. It doesn't matter if the end result is not the quality we wanted. That shouldn't hold us back. We shouldn't let the fear of 'failure' or anxiety of producing low quality work stop us from pursuing things we are interested in.

Two days before his birthday, Jin (from BTS) published a letter and released a song. In the letter, he wrote about grappling with imposter syndrome and low self-esteem issues. Most notably, he shared how he had discussions with Bang PD (BH CEO) about his feelings and his fear that the music he makes is not good enough. Bang PD said, “Such things are not important. But if you give it a try, you’ll surely do a good job. I’ll look for someone who has a good fit for you.”

Now doesn't that perfectly tie with what I read earlier this week? It felt like a transformational moment for me when I read that letter and remembered the earlier article. 

Then I also started thinking of the many times Yoongi has told his members to release their mixtape instead of waiting for it to be 'perfect'. The younger members have been working on their mixtapes for quite some time now and I think Yoongi is correct when he says sometimes you just have to put yourself and your work out there. Because when you are waiting for perfection, you might be losing out on the raw, beautiful moments that actually sum up our life.

So the life pro tip is to not get too bogged down by peculiar standards of beauty, perfection, skill, etc. At the risk of sounding cliche, life is truly a journey and everything we do has a starting point, a mid point and an end point. We should learn to enjoy all these three stages. Everything has value. Let us try our best to throw away our fear, insecurity, and impossible standards. 

p.s. I don't know if I made any sense

p.p.s: Please listen to Jin's song. 'Abyss' is raw and emotional and beautiful. 

I want to be Han Yeo-jin

 

Name a power duo better than Hwang Si-mok (Cho Seung-woo) and Han Yeo-jin (Bae Doo-na).

I love Han Yeo-jin so much. She is the epitome of cool, chill, relaxed, smart, and all the best adjectives I can bestow on her. I urge everyone to watch Stranger (both seasons are available on Netflix). I'm too lazy to write about the drama but everything about it - story, acting, direction, pacing, music - is brilliant.