stop. please.

Just found this which perfectly encapsulates what I'm trying to say here.

There's just too much information. 

And too many forms of entertainment. 

Sometimes it straight up drives me crazy. 

Because I will be doing some work and then get distracted by social media and find a good article to read but I have a niggling work related doubt at the back of my head so I google to get answers and I read the first paragraph of the first article I find. Then a friend messages me and I watch the video she sends and start looking for more information on the video on Twitter where I find a book review for an interesting book in translation which makes me jump to Goodreads to look up other reviews.....

You get where this is going? 

I hate this.

all the bad days, they're everywhere now

where are the words to explain how I feel? how many ways are there to examine this erupting mountain of memories and loss? why do I feel so torn between taking the next big step? one minute I feel certain it is the right way, the only way, to go. another moment passes by and I hear his voice say 'so everything's my fault? you think you never did anything wrong?'. then all that certainty dissolves to form a bitter pool of tears. i am a storm of rage. why? why? you know what you did wrong!!! how could you not know the different ways you lessened my being? yet why do i still make excuses for you in my head? why does it still hurt to think i might be causing you sorrow? this world's take on relationships and struggles is confusing me. am i supposed to forgive past transgressions because this is what relationships are all about? because this is what being a partner means - giving chances, working on your problems, forging a new path in life together. but what if I can't afford to give him chances because he had 10 years to be better, do better but all he did was continue being the worst version of himself. 

I am sorry to the woman i was for shrinking, for forgetting, for forgiving. 

the women I admire

• women who exercise
• women who keep their houses neat and tidy without any prompts
• women who take their children out for playdates (I have only seen them on Instagram, though)
• women who don't wear saris and gold jewellery at events where they are considered staples 
• women who wear saris and gold jewellery at the aforementioned events
• women who know their way around a makeup bag
• women whose straightened hair look glossy and amazing
• women who voluntarily invite other people to their house
• women who can take a 'no' bravely
• women who enjoy socialising
• women who are good at public speaking
• women who journal
• women who can wake up early in the morning and are happy about it
• women who run
• women who know what colours suit them best

.....to be continued