chronicles of my crying episodes

So yeah. This happened. 👆

It is a coping mechanism, really. I can't afford therapy. Heard it is £50 a session??? I would need plenty of sessions to unpack my perfected version of 'fucked up on the inside but all bland and boring on the outside'.

Like most people, I am avoiding life. Sometimes I am successful and then I read books and watch stuff on Netflix and YouTube. I go to work. I hide in my room.

Sometimes my issues creep up when I am chilling by myself and unsuspecting. One minute I'm watching a reaction video and then BAMMMM!!

Or I am at work, listening to music and typing stuff, when suddenly unwelcome and work inappropriate thoughts take root.

Or I am on the train/bus....or reading an old message....or taking a shower.

I've been questioning myself for a long time now. What do I really want from life? My heart feels so uncomfortably full. This confusion is unbearable. It sits sharply, weighing like the heavy slaps of crashing waves. I want comfort but the place where I previously sought comfort doesn't exist- not really, not for me.

I want to stay the same. I don't want this change. I want to be the same old me. Why and how did this come out- I am the last person capable of explaining this rationally but everyone keeps asking me. I am just as stumped as they are.

I tell myself, better days will come ahead. When melancholy Korean songs won't mess with my emotions. When certain smells won't push me back to the past. When flickers of memories will not feel both precious and haunting- they will just be happy memories.