am I rich yet?

When it comes to money and savings, an incredible eye-opener for me has been the fact that gift-giving is my love language. I'm extremely willing to take the time to research and then plot and plan how to give something 'nice', 'useful', 'meaningful', and 'wanted' to my loved ones. 

And circling back to money - I often end up splurging on gifts when I clearly can't afford to. I gave my dad an expensive watch for his 60th birthday last year. I'm finishing the monthly payments this July- right after 12 months. I also gifted my sister an expensive piece of jewellery - borrowing money from my mom to pay for it. I clearly couldn't afford these gifts, yet I couldn't help myself. Then I, of course, fall into a quagmire of broke life and mounting debts.

Stupid.

When I come across videos on YouTube where people are shelling out advice on saving money which invariably includes this 'tip' - don't buy coffee - it makes me want to roll my eyes. I mean, I did think it was quite a smart tip initially but after thinking it over, it made me consider how saving on one coffee a day isn't going to add anything substantial to the bank account. I assume these budget gurus are literally just taking the easy route and shoving the most obviously common tips in their lists. 

Anyway, I tend to find this 'tip' rather inane these days.

I'd suggest starting by trying to curb other unnecessary and more expensive habits. Like maybe cutting down on the number of takeaways or, in my case, dialling back on expensive gifts when I can't afford to.

 

Incoming........an old dream in the form of handheld vacuum cleaners

Ordered two handheld vacuum cleaners. Excited about this because I've literally wanted one for many, many years. It's Amazon Prime Day so decided to take the plunge and get some cheap ones for the present. If the experience is good, I might get an upgrade and get a better (and, sadly, more expensive one) next year.

Adulthood. hehehe. 

carry on

what does being 33 feel like?

this really is my last month being 33. 

shouldn't i feel wiser, braver, stronger, and have a settled core (whatever that means)?

but instead, here i am, still lost and scared, more times than i can count.

some days i feel brave. some days i feel strong. and that makes me feel resolute about living this life with gratitude.

but then i retreat to this by-now familiar cloak. it is coarse but comfortable. one that i would like to throw off permanently. 

33

what a grand sounding age.

but the number of years i've existed has been nothing valuable. or interesting. or accomplished.

is this all that's left of life? growing older by day. body decomposing, mind rotting, spirit growing weak.

we are taught to find a spot for ourself in this factory-like structure of society. the study, work, socialise, live structure of life that we are expected to conform to and slip our existence into. the trophies we collect along the way - the certificates from school, the promotions and increased pay at work, the invitations we garner from friends and acquaintances. we are supposed to have a certain number of these. this is to depict where we stand in this factory of existence. but are these actually trophies or traps to ensure our conformity and acquiescence?

33

some say this is still a young age, not terribly young but still youthful when in comparison to the decades of living we have left ahead.

so, plenty of time to make mistakes, ponder, regret and carry on.

nature and her blessings, social media and its gifts

In today's episode of things that make my heart sing, I present to you.........drum roll......

Botaworks

I love this account so much. And I'm thankful to the person behind it, the one who sees the beauty and captures it in such a beautiful way. I can almost imagine myself in the vicinity of the pictures.

What is it about nature and flowers!

View this post on Instagram

A post shared by 路上園芸学会 | Ayako Murata (@botaworks)

View this post on Instagram

A post shared by 路上園芸学会 | Ayako Murata (@botaworks)

View this post on Instagram

A post shared by 路上園芸学会 | Ayako Murata (@botaworks)

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A post shared by 路上園芸学会 | Ayako Murata (@botaworks)

what job rejections teach you

 So, it came. The much awaited response to a particularly anticipated job application.

The answer - a standard rejection via email. Thanks for applying but no, thanks. Please keep in touch.

There goes my dream. 

Felt my heart squeeze. This has been just a series of ghosting and rejections from all the companies I've applied to.

But here are some of the things I've learned after each rejection -

1. I don't need to tick off all the qualifications in order to apply. In the past, I would apply only if I met at least 90% of the requirements.
2. I don't need to be intimidated by the salary they are offering. The fact that they are offering a package that seems really great doesn't mean I don't deserve it or that I am not qualified for it. I am!
3. I can expand my job application. I have picked up various skills over the years. So I can take a slight detour and apply for roles that are different to the ones I've pursued in the past. 
4. Life goes on - rejections are not the end of life as we know it. So, yes, I will dust myself off and continue.

*In the meanwhile, it is okay to take a day or two to marinate in a soup of sadness and despair. Because rejections sting!

Hashtag blessed

The past few weeks have been good to me. Or rather, I've been good to myself. 

Just some few, low-key gifts of existence, but beautiful. And work life is looking good, mental health is great, weekend coming up. I'll take that as a win-win.

On Monday evening after work, I stepped out to the garden and found the mint in all its glory. They look so healthy and fresh, don't they?

Michaela Cole on a Thursday morning

It's been a wicked morning. 

Is crying over a profile piece on the brilliant Michaela Cole normal? Something about her just fills me up. What is it about women who truly fascinate and inspire you?

Just noticed that this piece was published last year on (serendipitously) July 6th which happens to be my birth date. My favourite bits from this article was her talking about empathy and what it means to her, the connection she had with her Air BnB lady in the US, and the way she questioned closure -  'Must there be bloodshed for there to be justice?'

The article also includes her 2018 MacTaggart Lecture. I watched it early this year and I am regretful that I didn't watch it sooner. Ever since, I have been astounded by her. It was not the first time I came across Michaela. I watched her show 'Chewing Gum' in 2017 but I couldn't really connect to the show so I hadn't followed her journey. But this speech that she gave is absolutely brilliant. 

And then, of course, I watched 'I May Destroy You'. 

Oh, what a Friday!

I was not ready!

Namjoon's new collab with eAeon is out. Knowing him, I had not expected it to be anything except beautiful but this is just stunning. Don't is just hauntingly beautiful. 

Here is Joon's part.

 

This song is off eAeon's new album 'Fragile'... I listened to two other tracks and can't wait to hear the entire album now. Thank you for your hard work!!!

portal to life's little big joy

Still struggling with reader's block but I have to admit things are taking a turn for the better. Something's beginning to stir and I'm slowlyyyy getting back to enjoying reading again. 

Yet, it has not been easy. The journey's been slow and, to be honest, quite tedious. It takes me painfully long to complete a single book. Sometimes, I manage to whiz through many chapters in one sitting. Most times I barely finish a couple of pages. 

But despite all these challenges, one thing I have always been able to count on is the wonderful feeling of comfort and joy I get when I meander through my ebook folder. 

It's like having a friend who I know for certain will always have my back. 

I have lots of folders within that folder and it is amazing to take a look around and see all the treasures they contain.

I add new books. Or delete ones I've already read (though that is rare these days as I've been struggling to read). Rifle through the folders to find a particular one I want to send to friends.

Oh what joy that folder holds. Is this what happiness is? LOL

Life's little big pleasures. 

New diet for the nth time

I am quite fed up of putting on weight, being unhealthy, and having a sloth-like and sedentary lifestyle. I also hate exercising. 

But suddenly I'm worried about my physical health as it pertains to the coming years. Must be the side-effect of being in my 30s, living with family, and this pandemic situation. 

I used to be very skinny way back when I was a teenager and in my 20s. But in the late 20s and these recent years, I have been finding it difficult to reconcile myself with the image in the mirror. I know one should embrace their body and love the weight one is in - but I am so unhealthy due to lack of movement and exercise. I can't join the body positivity movement just yet.

Anyway, I am starting a 'watch my food intake' journey. To be absolutely honest, this is a familiar journey that I've been on a few thousand times. I've done crash dieting, Intermittent Fasting, weekly fasting, and no-meat week, two days of complete fasting....Like everything else in life, only consistent effort pays off when you are trying to lose weight or inculcate a habit. Sigh!

But with my laziness and dislike of exercises there seems to be nothing else left but keeping a tight leash on what I consume. 

• Milk-sugar tea/coffee only once a week
• No biscuits/cookies
• No chips
• Cut down on rice 
• At least one fruit everyday
• Lots of water
• More veggies 
• More beans and daal

I've already started the 'no tea' thing and have also started eating more fruits. Let's see how long I can stick to this, yeah!

Hope I lose my excess weight. I also pray for a miracle and I start exercising. 

(I know I could exercise right now but I know I won't so that's why I'm praying for a miracle!)

This morning I came across these insightful statements by Haruki Murakami in his book - What I Talk About When I Talk About Running. 

The man has been running for a really, really long time. And what he writes about interest trumping willpower when it comes to an activity one is not naturally inclined towards or doing something for the long run - that is absolutely true.

If I were not in love with reading, I would have quit happily when I was in the throes of a reading slump  the past couple of years. And I'm the unhealthiest I've ever been with the most weight gain in my life but I can't, for the life of me, find the willpower to exercise.

The Great Indian Kitchen

Wow, I'm fresh off from watching 'The Great Indian Kitchen' and my mind is blown. I would urge everyone to watch this movie. It is on Amazon Prime.

Won't write a long review because I'm pressed for time right now. But this is a beautiful Malayalam movie. The great Indian kitchen is really a metaphor for the patriarchal society the story is set in. It is the story of many women in India and, might I say, across the world. Even today.

Really loved the way it was directed. There was so much cooking and cleaning. It was shot beautifully but it also didn't shy away from showing the realistic scenes of the drudgery of household chores. Cooking looks beautiful when shot aesthetically. But no amount of aesthetic shots can make washing dishes, throwing the leftover food sludge, washing clothes by the well pleasing to the eye or mind.

Jeo Baby, the director, spends a lot of time in the same mundane activities. BUT THAT IS THE POINT. 

These are everyday, repetitive chores that might not seem like much for those who don't carry the unpaid and, often thankless, burden of cooking and cleaning for the house. 

And add anti-feminist traditional systems to the mix and you get a blood boiling social drama.

Will just add that the actors were so good, especially the female lead Ms Nimisha Sajayan. I could feel her mind ticking and her emotions in shambles as she deeply felt all the injustices she was being subjected to.

Let me paraphrase something a film critic said of this movie - It's a story told by a man largely about men which more men should know of. 

I think I am quite inclined to agree with the way she's put it.

A must watch!