carry on

what does being 33 feel like?

this really is my last month being 33. 

shouldn't i feel wiser, braver, stronger, and have a settled core (whatever that means)?

but instead, here i am, still lost and scared, more times than i can count.

some days i feel brave. some days i feel strong. and that makes me feel resolute about living this life with gratitude.

but then i retreat to this by-now familiar cloak. it is coarse but comfortable. one that i would like to throw off permanently. 

33

what a grand sounding age.

but the number of years i've existed has been nothing valuable. or interesting. or accomplished.

is this all that's left of life? growing older by day. body decomposing, mind rotting, spirit growing weak.

we are taught to find a spot for ourself in this factory-like structure of society. the study, work, socialise, live structure of life that we are expected to conform to and slip our existence into. the trophies we collect along the way - the certificates from school, the promotions and increased pay at work, the invitations we garner from friends and acquaintances. we are supposed to have a certain number of these. this is to depict where we stand in this factory of existence. but are these actually trophies or traps to ensure our conformity and acquiescence?

33

some say this is still a young age, not terribly young but still youthful when in comparison to the decades of living we have left ahead.

so, plenty of time to make mistakes, ponder, regret and carry on.