There is no 2.0 for me

Why do movies and books get to glamourise everything and why do I fall into their trap? My resentment is especially targeted at the glamourous portrayal of hard work. 

 

One day a character decides they’ve had enough of their present circumstances and they dedicate their brains, time and energy to bettering themselves. They are the 2.0 version of themselves in 2 minutes.

 

I am a lazy mf. 

 

I can sit for hours watching countless YouTube videos mindlessly but I cannot bring myself to do some ‘serious’ learning where my work is concerned. 

 

I don’t have any problem creating this wonderful image of myself devoting time to learn new work stuff or learning a new language. But when it’s time to do the work, I treat it like it’s some dirty work and avoid it like the plague/virus.

 

I go back to my movies and dramas. Then a character works hard and I’m back in dreamland. Yadayada. The cycle continues. 

 

2020 was spent like that. 2021 is proceeding like this. I think my very average mind has broken down and demoted itself to the very very average sphere. In this land of the very very average, there blooms in plenty anger, resentment, self-pity and dullness. 

 

My poor family cannot avoid me and have to live with my insufferable personality. Then I come up to my room and stew in guilt and anger at myself and cry for them. Oh god, you did them dirty. Why did my poor family get me as a daughter/sibling? I berate god loudly as I continue being my shitty self and do not work on myself.

 

My poor friend is tired of my complaints just as I am tired of hers. Yet we both march ahead like dependable soldiers in a battle, each not willing to let go of blind loyalty but probably irritated beyond belief at the same recycled complaints coming out of Whatsapp and Instagram voice messages and reverberating around the walls of our rooms in two different continents. 

 

There is no 2.0 for me. This is it. I am stuck in this degenerate version of me.

 

Fucking hell.