30s - angst, confusion, and the hope of 'getting there'

Today is the last day of my three-day annual leave. It is 1:48 pm as I type this. My mind is simultaneously a  clean blank slate and a rioter's mess. How is that possible? Why am I contradicting myself? Yet, it is. I guess this is just what life is?

I see people around me - by people, I mean, women - and I see how they have the trappings of adult life all figured out and achieved. They are smart, with a good career, a healthy happy family, nice social life, blahblah. I know all too well the facade of social media but I know that for many it is still a resounding truth - a successful adult life.

And I wonder why I don't seem to want half the things I am supposed to want. I am 33. Am I not supposed to want to be happily married, start a family, have an active social life, pursue interesting hobbies? 

My thoughts are scattered, as always. Nothing makes sense. Let me try, anyway.

I am an adult. I am an adult? Fuck.

Aren't adult humans supposed to be strong, settled, rich, happy, and successful?

Why is the barometer of success always the same? 

Actually, the question should be - why are we afraid of carving our own path if we don't subscribe to the common notion of contentment? We rage privately against what we consider the yoke of societal rules and expectations. But we meekly put our head down and trudge along to join the ranks of millions of peers.

Sometimes I feel brave enough to dream and want things my sane self believes I can never have. My sane self is the individual who grew up believing that we must acquire a college degree, go on to get a Masters degree, have a great career, marry at an appropriate age, bear kids, buy a house.

People just give you a picture of the things you are supposed to want. Here is education - you must get it and like it and get good marks to show your skill at being educated. Here is career - you must get a good job and get paid nicely enough to be able to buy a few things and to save up. Here is marriage - you must get married before you are too old otherwise no good man will want you. Here is kids - have two or three and please give birth to sons, if possible, if not, then make it possible.

No one teaches us what is inside these life milestones that we are supposed to reach. Oh, and the marriage and the kids part - we have to execute all these at the right time-  not too early or too late - otherwise you are a sad creature or a weirdo or just plain unlucky.

So as I was saying, no one teaches us what or how we are supposed to navigate these adult things? We are just supposed to wing it like the rest of the world is doing. As children or young adults, we see everyone walking around happily existing in their adult selves and we end up believing that this adult thing is easy. That it is being young (teens and 20s) that is hard.

That's why when you are in your 30s and suddenly find yourself angsty and confused and lost and angry, it is like the sky fell on your head and life is so much harder than when you were 21, broke, unemployed and in the throes of young love but you had the optimism of youth. 

Now what do you have?

Bills to pay, fear of incompetence because you are an adult and as such must have your shit together and be competent, adult goals you don't want but everyone tells you is desirable and you're confused, the dreams that you actually have but everyone makes you feel is stupid and unattainable.

Life's ...good???

I want to borrow some of the optimism and passion of my younger self, exchange my adult sane self for my brave younger spirit, and see if I can throw caution in the wind and hope I 'get there'.

 

brainfood

• Text of Indian writer Arundhati Roy's speech in 2018 - in-what-language-does-rain-fall-over-tormented-cities. This is jam-packed with historical, political, literary, religious, and cultural references. It requires a bigger brain than mine to fully comprehend. But it is a must-read. Be warned - it is very long.

• RM's interview where he talks about his first mixtape. It gives an interesting insight into his mind. The 2015 Namjoon talked honestly about his art, his mistakes, and his aspirations. I also loved reading about the kind of relationship he has with his agency and the misgivings he had then as a Kpop idol. I can see how the path he was on at that time led him to be the man he is today.

• This 2011 article, republished in Anveshi Research Centre for Women’s Studies, talks about the accessibility, and lack of, education and the English language- and the way it was/is being used as tools against the poor and marginalised in India.

• I came across this blog piece titled 'Mimetic Traps' after listening to the 'Not Over Thinking' podcast. Very interesting and thought-provoking. It talks about how a lot of us could be caught in jobs, situations, a life that is essentially a reflection of other people's desires, and not truly our own. The trap is basically us 'inheriting other's desires' and thinking we want something very badly. We invest energy and time on that specific thing but we might find out too late that it doesn't hold any value for US. I want to read it a couple more times to make sure I understand it as perfectly as possible.

a great existence

 

This quote encapsulates my recent years. 

I used to worry continuously about every little thing. A bad thing became worse after I played around with it in my head, feeding my demons. I made mountains out of molehills. It was especially horrible when I had to deal with new circumstances. Self-doubt is a bitch!

Then when I entered my 30s, I suddenly found myself caring less. It is weird because I don't associate the last couple of years with great fun or happiness. But it's been valuable because I have started to outgrow certain negative things and lean into a better mindset in other ways. 

Thanks, Phoebe.

'sometimes I hear howling in my head' - pt 2

 it's back. this clawing, kneeling sense of dread. why kneeling? because it humbles me so why not? how do men get over women? or isn't there two distinct sets of experiences for women and men? because heartbreak is universal. because loss is universal. because grief is universal. and confusing. and personal. and also sometimes feels shameful. 

i've been dreaming about him almost every other day. and i don't know know if i'm thinking about him so much because i've been dreaming of him so much. 

sad narrow gravelly roads remind me of him. an overcast day is suddenly THE day where we stayed in bed for many, many hours, each occupied with their phones but peaceful, happy. what is that hollow feeling in my chest? why is there no joy in reading anymore? 

sometimes i am haunted by the thought that i can still feel the coolness of the floor of his house. i wonder why i fought over who cleaned the carpet? if i knew how we would end up would i have hugged him tighter when things were still 'fine'? and now i can't remember how we parted ways, what we said when we last saw each other.

i come across his photo on social media and i marvel at his hair. why did he suddenly decide to grow it? does he still use the same shampoo?

i wish it were 2022 or five years later.

why does this entire thing suck? if someone asked me the reasons, i wouldn't know what to say. 

to spend or not to spend

 Life is so weird right now. Are you supposed to save money because people are screaming about the economy being shit? Or are you supposed to spend money to do your part to help revive the economy, in whatever way you can? This is fucking confusing.

Excited for 'A Piece of Your Mind'

OMG just started 'A Piece of Your Mind' and I'm all types of excited!!

I'm going in blind, i.e., without reading the synopsis. The few reviews that I've read have only just mentioned how good the drama is. 

I have been a fan of Jung Hae-In for quite some time now. I read somewhere that he mostly plays the soft-boy type of roles which I kinda agree with but I think his characters always have something different to them in every work he takes up. His character in 'One Spring Night' ! I love that drama and I loved his character.

Chae Soo-Bin....I have watched her in some dramas though I can't place exactly which ones at this moment. But I'm ready to love her, just this first episode in!

Emily Ratajkowski - her body, her mind, her images

I began my day with this long piece by Emily Ratajkowski.

It is quite powerful and provokes the reader to think. It was also quite confusing - just like most things in this modern world. Everything is nuanced and layered, and takes a bigger brain than mine to comprehend. 

One of the first things I thought of was how strangely art has evolved over the years. The artist Richard Prince had an exhibition where he blew up pictures of celebrities from Instagram - and he didn't even take those pictures or recreated them in an artistic way. All he did was leave a comment on the pictures and print them in really massive sizes to display as 'art'. Emily had to buy her own picture for 80,000 USD. 

This really makes me question capitalism and art. Also, why does it feel like something only a white person would do? Really strange.

Now let's get to the serious issues. The article was penned by Emily about feeling a distinct lack of agency when it comes to her body and, more specifically, the photographs of her body. In different specific incidents, she highlighted the confusion and pain she went through when people took over how they used her images for unintended purposes. 

I had to sit back and question all the preconceived notions I had about celebrity and their rights to their pictures. When I first read about Emily being sued because she posted a picture of hers, on Instagram, taken by a photographer, I didn't stop to think about it for more than the one minute it took for me to decide I was thoroughly confused. So, Emily - the subject - posted her own picture - taken by someone else - on her own Instagram for non-commercial reasons- gets sued by said photographer because it is HIS picture that SHE is using?? WHAT MODERN SHITBALL IS THIS? She was sued for 150,000 USD. 

I'm not sure if other readers got any clarity at the end of the piece.

There's another painful experience of having her private pictures leaked. This led her to pay up 10,000 USD for another picture of hers rather than risk another nightmare of having other private photos leaked to the public.

Emily also wrote about her experience as a young model, working to be financially independent and confident in her body. She writes with honesty about wanting to be better, to be the best model for the photographer. She hadn't been told that particular photoshoot was a lingerie shoot but she didn't have a problem with it. She was later shot naked by the photographer. This made me pause. I wonder how many young models are exploited like this- not given complete information about the work they're hired to do, then slowly (kind of coerced into) asked to pose nude. This Jonathan Leder turned out to be a bigger creep later on as he tried to take advantage of the fact that she was drunk. He resurfaced years later as he prints books containing Emily's polaroid shots from that photoshoot. The original photoshoot was for a magazine but she did not consent to him using her pictures for his own books. She tried to stop him but he got away and published three books of her photographs as well as several reprints and an exhibition.

How does a male photographer assume he has the right to commercially use images of a model who did not consent to them being used for purposes other than originally intended? Oh, he did bring out a consent form that was supposedly signed by Emily's agent. However, the agent denies signing anything so.........

Ironically, she didn't get paid anything for her work that fateful day but instead her legal bills, trying to stop Leder, amounted to almost 8000 USD.

I don't think I can nor do I want to look at celebrity pictures the same way again. I believe we should all be mindful of how we use the pictures available publicly. Paparazzi shots can be incredibly intrusive, as we all know. It rests in the hands of the consumer. I hope to exercise more restraint and be mindful of celebrity images. Because they are only human beings, abeit in the public eye.

vast

ever feel so empty you wonder why you even exist at all? and it scares you, this thought. then you are fine the next day and it is as if nothing ever happened at all. but when the night comes and everything is slow, the emptiness creeps up on you again. you are like a different person at night. everything is numb. the heart is dull. the vastness of this emptiness rings inside you in loud chimes.

goodbye, self-doubt, my old enemy

It is a brand spanking new week and I've decided to live with confidence. Actually, I decided this about three minutes ago and hurried over to write it into existence.

Ah, the pains of imposter syndrome! Isn't it painful to not only doubt your work but also doubt that you're where you are because of someone else's misplaced belief in you? You feel as if you're going to be found out any day that you're just swinging along without one bit of talent to spare.

I first came across feeling like an imposter when I switched careers. Setting out of one's comfort zone can go either way - you either come out a winner or feel like you're freefalling into a bottomless pit. Every Monday feels like a suckathon!! I had a hard time enjoying my work or believing that I was capable of actually contributing anything valuable. 

Now I'm getting better at calming myself. Instead of resorting to full-blown panic, I took a sharp u-turn just now and decided I AM good enough, I HAVE skills, I CAN rectify mistakes when I make any.

Feels nice to discover new things about yourself, every day.

everyday, do your thing

I work from home and I'm loving it.

• I start work with the full intention of being a dedicated employee
• distracted by BTS news 
• full concentration on work
• admire my own research skills - work stuff
• cry because I know only 10 words and I have used them all and what shall I write next, oh god!!!
• new burst of energy
• blank stare
• check time
• fuck yous shouted out to the void of my room
• two sentences
• sigh about the futility of life and work because I suck at what I do
• new burst of energy
• write furiously
• check time
• online window shopping
• chat with friends
• check time
• sudden love for my work #BLESSED
• check time

A poem for small things

*written sometime in April

 

 

Every day now, time is a concept, divided into four parts. Time for tea after I wake up, time during the day when I’m in bed in front of my laptop, time to go downstairs to cook dinner, time for myself after dinner.

 

These four periods are tied together by a common thread. I offer a poem for small things.

 

I look at accounts dedicated to plants on Instagram. They transport me out of my sometimes frankly stale world into a fresher, healthier realm. I also want to understand what the writer intends to say in their native language but the translation is off. ‘Space valid’ – I ponder over this translation for a few seconds and suppose that they probably meant to write the space has been used well and give my own conclusion my stamp of approval.

 

I scroll through Tumblr blogs, marvelling at the sheer witticisms of people.  

 

I love how BTS fans love the group so much they have created cool animated videos, hilarious memes, countless videos to form a cohesive story about why BTS deserves this love. This feeds into my admiration for the artists. ARMY, you are amazing!

 

I am happy we have eggs and flour and lemons at home.

 

I am grateful we have a big freezer. Though it is half empty now, we can still stock up when we’re really running low.

 

I am grateful we have more females than males in this house. Sometimes, I wonder if my aunt loves my brother this much because she practically raised him or because he is the only son in this house. 

 

And sometimes, I wonder at the miracle of believing that anything is possible for me now.

 

This time has proved to be indispensable – I needed to recalibrate. I feel less and less like myself every day. Or am I more and more like myself? I wasn’t this irritable. I wasn’t this cruel. I wasn’t this stupid. I wasn’t this egoistic (perhaps that’s preferable to being egotistic..:P). But I am now.

 

I need to calm down. I need to regroup my emotions and thoughts. If I continue along this path, I am nervous about where I will end up. There are dark clouds all the time now.  

 

This quarantine period has given me clarity on the small things that give me so much joy. The things and feelings that come up unprompted. When I am offered a cup of tea suddenly. When I feel a burst of energy and inspiration to make dinner and I’m alone in the kitchen. When I slip into fresh sheets after a refreshing shower at night and I pat myself on the back for having that energy to change my sheets at some point during the day.

 

And then sometimes, my small things are unpleasant for other people. Am I even allowed to share these? Like, I am joyous when I manage to sneak downstairs without encountering my family. I feel satisfied when I can take a whole day without any of them asking me why I’m in my room always. When I can grab food but my family’s around but they don’t talk to me and I successfully run upstairs to my sanctuary. I am ashamed to admit this but it is my small victory.

 

I dream of living alone all the time. I dream of being able to hang around in my balcony or in the backyard without having anyone around. I dream of cooking when and what I want. 

 

I offer a prayer I don’t have a child. I wouldn’t be a good parent in this present state of mind. It is quite sad considering I’d always imagined I would have started a family at this age. Now I’m not even sure I want a child at all.

 

Nothing is small if it brings you joy. Nothing is small if it brings you pain. Because that second of emotion is all you’re feeling at that time. You’re awash with love or sorrow. That’s all you know right that moment.

 

So, I say a poem for my small things.