it's back. this clawing, kneeling sense of dread. why kneeling? because it humbles me so why not? how do men get over women? or isn't there two distinct sets of experiences for women and men? because heartbreak is universal. because loss is universal. because grief is universal. and confusing. and personal. and also sometimes feels shameful.
i've been dreaming about him almost every other day. and i don't know know if i'm thinking about him so much because i've been dreaming of him so much.
sad narrow gravelly roads remind me of him. an overcast day is suddenly THE day where we stayed in bed for many, many hours, each occupied with their phones but peaceful, happy. what is that hollow feeling in my chest? why is there no joy in reading anymore?
sometimes i am haunted by the thought that i can still feel the coolness of the floor of his house. i wonder why i fought over who cleaned the carpet? if i knew how we would end up would i have hugged him tighter when things were still 'fine'? and now i can't remember how we parted ways, what we said when we last saw each other.
i come across his photo on social media and i marvel at his hair. why did he suddenly decide to grow it? does he still use the same shampoo?
i wish it were 2022 or five years later.
why does this entire thing suck? if someone asked me the reasons, i wouldn't know what to say.
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