no more dreams

take one step forward. victorious! then it is three steps back. down, down, the rabbit hole of despair. why is everything so strange and ugly? why is everything tinged with sorrow? why does nothing make sense?

hello worldddddddd... I need a fucking break. please.

'small but certain happiness'

a truth we cannot escape from is the fact that our lives can get tedious at times. 

we get so caught up in the business of living -  which is sometimes only about surviving - it is forgivable to assume life is nothing but a chore. but if we are vigilant, we can recognise small moments of pure bliss that flit through our days. when I am able to distinguish those moments I make an attempt to offer my thanks to the universe.

my list of small but certain happiness (inspired from Haruki Murakami's 1986 essay 'Afternoon in the Islets of Langerhans') will always find new additions but for now, they look like this.

• coming back home after a tiring commute
• slipping into fresh sheets after a refreshing shower
• looking at my new-still-with-tags clothes 
• my eyeliner turning out great on the first try
• making someone laugh (intentionally.....lol)
• cool breeze at the end of a hot evening
• running my hands through clean hair
• finding out I've lost some weight
• realising the drama I'm just starting to watch is extremely enjoyable
• catching the early bus or train as soon as I reach the station
• buying gifts for my family
• drinking hot tea while the rain is pouring outside
• that excitement when I think of certain books and dramas 
• seeing the evening sky awash in majestic colours
• being alone in the house
• finding a shade from the hot sun
• applying the perfect shade of lipstick
• stumbling across something very interesting to read on social media
• cooking alone while blasting loud music or listening to a podcast
• finally completing a tediously long book
• completing all my chores, taking a shower and getting to rest in my bed
• a nice conversation with a friend
• finding out my dad doesn't need help with emails or stuff.....👌

these are small moments but I get to experience peace and comfort through them.

groovy nights!

Just one of those nights when I vibe to BTS songs.

Usually starts like this - okay, I'll listen to that song and get back to this book.

Before long I'm sprawled out on the bed looking up at the ceiling and enjoying the night breeze. Track number 12 or 16 is playing from one of my many BTS playlists. And I have different playlists dedicated to them - BTS favs, classics, energisers, mellow, etc.


"HOW MUCH LOVE, HOW MUCH JOY!"

finally ventured out

I went out yesterday for the first time since mid March. This was my first proper trip out in months, barring the three times I've been to the supermarket and the couple of times I've been to the park.

I felt like a tourist and I was looking at everything as if I were seeing it all for the first time. There were markers everywhere showing shoppers where to go and which path to follow. The new rule states that we need to wear masks when using public transportation. But outside, on the streets and inside stores, there was no such rule. People are supposed to sit further away from each other on the bus.

I put on eyeliner. I even put on some foundation and concealer to celebrate the fact that I'm putting on make up. ehhhehee. It felt great and I looked nice, not gonna lie.

I was only going to the optician's but I put on a new jacket and a cute new top.

I've ordered two pairs of glasses for my poor eyes. I like the frames. I pick them up in a couple days (will put up pictures if I remember).

Sundown

I took tea outside

To contemplate life’s sighs

Alone but not quite

Golden hour, softened 

Sky painted blues and purples 

A swathe of orange

How many colours

Should I boldly try on me

Can I stick to one

Little terrors come

Day, night, any time

Sometimes I squash, sometimes they 

Sweet evening breeze

Rustles my mother’s flowers

Then they spring up again

I drink my tea hot

Shiver in the breeze 

Evening air around me

all the bad days, they're everywhere now

where are the words to explain how I feel? how many ways are there to examine this erupting mountain of memories and loss? why do I feel so torn between taking the next big step? one minute I feel certain it is the right way, the only way, to go. another moment passes by and I hear his voice say 'so everything's my fault? you think you never did anything wrong?'. then all that certainty dissolves to form a bitter pool of tears. i am a storm of rage. why? why? you know what you did wrong!!! how could you not know the different ways you lessened my being? yet why do i still make excuses for you in my head? why does it still hurt to think i might be causing you sorrow? this world's take on relationships and struggles is confusing me. am i supposed to forgive past transgressions because this is what relationships are all about? because this is what being a partner means - giving chances, working on your problems, forging a new path in life together. but what if I can't afford to give him chances because he had 10 years to be better, do better but all he did was continue being the worst version of himself. 

I am sorry to the woman i was for shrinking, for forgetting, for forgiving. 

in case no one's told this to you lately....

When you are feeling tired and unhappy and lost, I want you to remember that your exhaustion is valid but today is just one day. This life still holds for you:

1. the joy of drinking tea

2. the excitement of finding new books

3. the changing seasons that mark the passage of time

4. the capacity to learn new things

5. the choice to be kind, to be better

6. the ability to push forward

7. the power to forgive yourself

8. the wonder of nature that can dazzle your mind

9. the rejuvenating power of sleep to heal you

10. the anticipation of going home after an exhausting day

as they say, with great power comes great responsibility

Global stars BTS spoke up in support of the #BlackLivesMatter movement that is currently ongoing in the US and across different parts of the world.

The artists (and BigHit) also extended financial support with a donation of $1 million earlier this week. 

As the news broke out, ARMY, who was already starting to collect money for BLM, launched an online fundraiser to match BTS' donation. This massive fundraiser called upon ARMYs and any fans or collaborators of BTS' to contribute. Online activism was at its peak (even thought ARMY was already speaking up loud and clear) that day. There were continuous tweets, fundraiser updates, and tagging celebrities the entire day.

I was up for 20 hours (7th to 8th June) reading up on the latest happenings of this fundraiser. It was so heartening to see everyone wholeheartedly supporting the BLM movement. Racial injustice has long been a bleak and harsh truth. Police brutality being the reason of one more innocent black life lost pushed everyone to act.

We need people with influence to speak up and share their support publicly. ARMY was proud of the boys for speaking up and contributing financially to this fight for equality and respect. The boys' influence was so vast that ARMYs across the globe started donating whatever they could spare to match the artists' donation.

And we made it!!! 

$1m million within 24 hours....

I donated a tiny amount. I hope that helps, one way or another.

Thank you, BTS, for speaking up and showing solidarity with fellow human beings. Your visibility in this movement helps affect how young people think and behave. I'm sure your black fans appreciate your support. And your non-black fans will remember your stand in this important matter and try to emulate you.

To top that spectacular day, BTS was part of YouTube's  #Classof2020 celebration. They shared their personal graduation stories and also spoke about what has helped them function as adults today. Namjoon said to keep on pushing ahead and that we are alone but together. Yoongi said learn to let go of things you can't change and focus on what you can actually do something about. Jin said don't compare yourself with others and it's okay to go on at your own pace. Hobi said take that one more step when you feel like giving up and one more again, every time. Jimin said you will always be loved. Tae said remember that luck and opportunity is waiting for you. Jung Kook said have faith in yourself.

My graduation is long gone. But I'm still always in need of support and comfort like anyone. I hope the young graduates, who watched the YouTube celebration on their behalf, found warmth and took comfort from everyone who spoke at the event.

The best was saved for the last and BTS gave one of their cutest performances to date. The boys looked happy and comfortable. They sounded amazing. What more can any ARMY wish for?

a foreign problem in a foreign land

around the end of last year, I come across an article where the writer was discussing whether it is important to seek a therapist who understands your culture. this has stuck with me and is one of the core reasons why i hesitate to go to therapist here in the UK.

how do you explain to a British therapist why your Asian roots and upbringing seem to be a burden? what guarantee can you get that your problems, which perhaps are not of the universal variety, will find a practical solution or guide from the therapist whose experiences and belief system are very different to yours? this is a very sobering thought. the nuances of culture and tradition are hard to explain to somebody who hasn't lived them or even knows what they are. so how can I expect help?

a hard truth

just read this

'You'll suck at everything in the beginning. But if you persevere and are patient, time will reward you with what you deserve."

So Far Away

I suppose we have all felt helpless at least a few times in our life. Fear does that to you.

An instance that comes to mind is what happened in late October or mid-November in 2009. I was returning to my room in Noida where I had been staying for the past one and half year as a paying guest (basically a hostel). I was stale from a 26 hour train journey from Kolkata to the New Delhi train station. The time was around 11 pm, the night was neither moonless nor bright, and the air was quite nippy.

I could have taken a bus or an auto to my cousins’ place in Mehrauli. That would have taken me less than 25 mins at that point in the night. But sometimes you make instant decisions in your head while simultaneously asking yourself what the fuck you’re doing.

In the hustle and bustle of the station, I found an autowallah who was willing to go all the way to Noida. He was a bulky looking man and wearing the faded blue uniform assigned to all autowallahs in Delhi.

So I hauled my black bag and plonked myself into the auto. Now the autos in New Delhi are not like the ones in Kolkata. The Delhi ones just flyyyyyyy. And the wind can really hit you and make you shiver even if it is just a 10 minute ride. I can recall plenty of times when I was jerked awake in autos during winter time classes. My PG (I don’t remember why we called our rooms PGs but yeah, that’s what we did) was about an hour away. And the Delhi-Noida highway is long, dark and could be quite empty. Noida was still an up-and-coming city then so there were long stretches of land that were just empty fields, big boulders and looming trees near the roads.

Delhi has long carried this unwelcome title of the ‘rape capital’. Even then there were news pieces almost every week about women being raped, assaulted and murdered. And girls who looked like me were easy constant targets, regardless of the time of the day. I spent a weekend at my cousins’ in Mehrauli one summer. On early Monday morning, I joined office goers, college students and daily wage earners to await buses to ferry us to our location for the day. This old drunk man came up to me and asked me how much I would cost him. I have been felt up numerous times – in buses, metros, when standing in public places and even while walking. Men have stopped their bikes to kindly offer me a lift – in crowded streets and lonely roads. I have always been wary of strangers and these incidents further taught me to never smile at strangers and avoid eye contact, especially if they were men. 

But let me get back to that night. The autowallah was not a chatty type for which I was thankful. Another thing living in India had taught me was to not talk to strange men. My older sister has always been one to initiate conversations or just extend friendly hellos and indulge in banter. I remember stopping her from talking to rickshaw pullers, autowallas and taxi drivers because I was afraid they would assume ‘we are prostitutes’. That was the level of paranoia I was living with. On hindsight, it seems like a funny phase in my life when I remember shushing her for ‘talking to strange men’ when she was just casually asking them ‘bhaiya, aap ne …….’. One friendly taxi driver simply wanted to pass the time between the route from Esplanade bus station to our flat in Jadavpur. He spoke about moving to Delhi for a couple of years but missing the Bengali food and the spirit of the city, he returned home. I recall being torn between not wanting to appear rude, being curious about his life in Delhi and also being extremely sceptical about his reason for sharing his life story with me. I tried to act disinterested by grunting a few answers and looking outside the window. I had good reasons to fear chatty taxi drivers. A friend of mine was felt up by a taxi driver in Bangalore while her parents were in the backseat. Another friend told me how a taxi driver masturbated next to her even though she had three more girl friends in the back. 

Again, here I am rambling! So this autowallah was not in the mood for talking. If it was during the day, I would have been grateful for this luck. But the miles of road seemed that much longer and daunting as we travelled on high speed in silence. There were only a few distant lights as we started to leave Delhi behind and entered the NCR. All the news articles blazed across my mind. A BPO employee raped by her company driver as she was being driven home at night. Autowallahs who stopped on lonely NCR highways where their criminal friends jumped out of the buses to ravage innocent women. Taxi drivers who took their customers to different locations to rape and kill. 

Time seemed to fly and go treacherously slow all at the same time. The moon was distant and undistinguishable. The autowallah’s back was broad and strong. I held on to the sides of the auto – whether to steady myself from the auto’s speed or to calm myself, I didn’t know. Every bush, boulder and tree was the replica of the ones we had just left behind. Didn’t we just turn this corner? Were those three trees not the same ones I saw just a minute ago? Why the fuck is my phone not ringing? Someone call me. Please. ARE THOSE LIGHTS FROM HOUSES, SETTLEMENTS?

So there went miles upon miles while I dithered between full blown panic and scolding myself for being paranoid. Calm down. He probably just wants to go home and sleep. He must have a family waiting for him. Surely he lives in Noida and that’s why he agreed to take you. No, he doesn’t look threatening. Not all men.

I prayed. 

I also looked at the watch.

I prayed.

I don’t remember why I didn’t call anyone.

I prayed.

Then the familiar edges of Noida sector 127 started coming to my view. There was the cluster of rickshaws my friend and I passed by every week. The big overhead bridge that we ran across during weekends. The swanky malls we went to for the AC. The colony of houses. I couldn’t have loved any view more at that moment. I slowly sank a bit more comfortably in my seat.

My heart felt lighter. I still felt a bit light headed, though. Then the auto stopped right under my building and I quickly fell to my knees on the pavement, thanking the autowallah profusely.

No, I didn’t. Of course. Hehe. But I did thank him profusely and even gave him 10rs extra. The amount might seem meagre but I was also a poor student with a strict monthly budget.

Afterwards I ran all the three flights of stairs, carrying my bag, feeling light as a feather and very giggly. Somehow those stairs didn’t bother me that day at all.