Okay, Bangtan songs, line up!

• Persona
• Serendipity 
• Trivia: Love
• Come Back Home
• Ddaeng
• Trivia: Seesaw
• Shadow
• Lie
• Dionysus 
• Adult Child
• Born Singer
• Anpaman
• Baepsae
• Epiphany
• Her
• Answer: Love Myself
• Home
• Move
• Magic Shop
• Miss Right
• The Truth Untold
• Spring Day

Some of my favourite songs that I could just list off the top of my head. The line up varies, but Persona is always leading it.

These songs seem almost magical because of the meaning behind the words, the performances and the music. The perfect blend of all three essential ingredients. Just immerses the listeners in a sea of emotions.

The words to their songs bring up strong emotional responses within me, especially Epiphany, Come Back Home, Answer: Love Myself and Home. A lot of listeners will be able to identify with the lines in the songs because love, struggles, exhaustion, the need for rest and comfort are universal.

incomplete

I tried meditation today. It was difficult because I felt like I was doing it all wrong. I am looking for a more authentic source learn from. Someone send me instructions!

I would like to think I practice mindfulness every day, but the truth is I am leaning more towards selfish thoughts. Maybe that is where I should start.

what gives you courage?

sometimes, it is the cheers of a friend. often times, it is a flash of memory of times gone by that reassures my heart.

courage

we, perhaps, find the most courage when we manage to summon up belief in ourselves, from the deep recess of our soul.

knowing that you have to get through a task or meet the inevitable, and just ploughing through it, no deep thinking to hold me back, that is a courageous act for me. because I was someone who would worry a lot and think and rethink and deep think and just fall more and more into this pit of shame, self-pity and anger at the world. 

now I just jump into whatever comes with this blazing thought that “What's comin' will come, an' we'll meet it when it does.”

Persona

Who the hell am I?

so BTS is here with their new album 'Map of the Soul:7' and the track list includes 'Persona' which is one of my favourite songs from their discography.

This is song is a gem- shows the breadth of RM's skills. I'm very grateful for this Korean to English translation.

Mr Bong Joon Ho, gimme your brain, please.

I watched Parasite last Friday. it was worth every second of giving up my precious 'stay home in bed' Friday night.

I don't have the words to describe how tight and precise the film felt. It was as if the director Bong Joon Ho is the only creative genius in the world! But everyone who worked on the film is gloriously talented. Everything felt like it had a purpose. I'm not one to notice music or lighting in films. But with this one- I was somehow aware my senses were heightened with every subtle change.

If you love art, Parasite is a must. So I'm not going to talk about the story except reiterate how brilliant it is. Dark comedy, satire, social commentary, pathos- it has the works.

I'm conflicted about Parasite and the Oscar awards. I haven't watched the other films competing for the grand prize. It's also my personal belief that the film is beyond the Academy awards. Of course, the prestige that it comes with is vast but can we all take a moment to rejoice in the film, simply for its sake, and forget about that American award. They can keep their award. Give it to the American film. Let Parasite be the special film it is.

But I'm an idiot. If Bong Joon Ho wants that award, I say, give it to the man!

YOU go watch Parasite.

singing ice cream trucks

this isn't random.

no one told me there are ice cream vans in the UK that suddenly go 'tang ti tanana, tang ti tanana'.

and why is the ice cream van moving about in January, singing to kids/ice cream lovers?

i was so surprised when i first heard the vans. what the hell is that Bollywood music doing in this predominantly white neighbourhood!!!

it just instantly reminded me of that Bollywood movie- Krishna Cottage😜- idk why.

so there. now at least YOU know, ice cream vans go about singing in English towns.

I paused my reading session to write this because a van just passed my street. hahaha

excuse me, why are you not reading!

there's a deep deep place within me for words, stories and the imageries they gift us. but somehow, i haven't been taking as much joy in reading these past couple of years. i cannot blame anyone but myself because i easily fall into the clutches of social media and Netflix. then it is goodbye, books- who needs youuuuuu

well, i do, dammittt

so this year, to get back into the world of beautiful stories, i will read only genres that truly give me joy. 

one of the things i have really been loving so is Soonkki's  'Cheese in the Trap' manhwa. this manhwa/webtoon/comic has a unique story with characters that Soonkki has really spent time developing. bear in mind, this is an ongoing series and she publishes a new chapter every Sunday, and i read the latest one 30 minutes ago. 

reading the first three parts of  Cheese was so exciting. i was reading it in the bus, during work breaks, and excited to come home and start reading again. i was totally obsessed and because i didn't have to wait for the next chapter, i was so fucking invested in the story unfolding in front of me. one was on a seesaw of emotions. arghhhhhhhhhhhh......those were the times!!sighh

but now that i've caught up with the series, i gotta wait like a good little human for every Sunday.

oh, and i like the way she draws. i prefer reading colorful webtoons- somehow makes it all a happier experience for me. the story itself is a gem. which one of you will not love the twists and turns, the emotions, the words she uses, the atmosphere she can create, the everyday-ness (wtf is this word!! hahaha but i'm trying to say she makes living boring and interesting at the same time) of life!

is this turning out to be a Cheese in the Trap post?

essentially, what i'm trying to say is i will read more. and read more of what i love. thank you, god, for Soonkki. thank you, Soonkki for Cheese in the Trap. also, why are you so mysterious and unreachable?

i opened a Naver account just to see more of her work or to understand her thoughts but the entire website seems to be in Korean and is not useful to me. (plus i did something stupid and i can't access my account now..:0)

Home

Is it okay if you don't associate home with family?

Can your home be any place you feel safe?

Any place you feel like you belong?

Can you feel like home is every place you've ever lived?

But it is okay to feel you are still searching for home?

Isn't it?

Is the home you are looking for, permanence?

support

you ever wonder how to give your support to someone in a way it doesn't contribute to tipping them off/making them spiral down to negativity? how do you 'support' people who are living their lives as if they are peering down the face of a cliff where the tempo of the wind is rising in strange bursts? there is no not supporting them. all right? you want to support them, be there for them. but sometimes it feels you are part of the problem. that you are the one who could actually be giving them a nudge towards the cliff. like the time, you helped them cover a lie. it was just a small lie. but then is it ever just a 'small' one with them? has it ever been? so how do you deal with the complicated mess of emotions when you tell them, yes, i will lie for you, i will support you. you don't wish to be enabling their deep despair or be feeding their clamouring souls that always seem ready to spring out. so how do you support someone?

dark spaces

back to the empty gnawing feeling that has pervaded my soul. the familiar and uncomfortable rush that laps gently against my very being, filling me up, rushing all across me, from the centre to the furthest corners of my body and mind. each and every thing is a hardship. like it is personally designed to insult and wound me. self pity is a bitch. i am a bitch. even while knowing better (or perhaps because of it), i let it all 'happen'. do what you want, self. or am I addressing the world, the higher being? let it be. let 'it' be. this is how i will know what pleasant times feel like. how the regular act of looking out the window at the evening sky is a singular one. the breeze flowing down one's body and raising goosebumps makes one shiver in delight. is this happiness? the feeling of realisation that you are lighthearted and floaty?

claws of patriarchy

how many of you struggle with shaking off the claws of patriarchy?

I do.

every time I am home alone with dad and I feel like I have to ensure he has eaten lunch. "have you eaten? what did you eat? do you want me to make you something? you ate? okay, but do you want to eat again?"

all these questions when I sure as hell don't want to cook anything for anyone.

I don't ask my mom/aunt if they've eaten and what they would like me to make for them. because I assume they can find something to eat on their own.

my father can of course cook. and prepare something to eat for himself, which he usually does when we are alone. yet I feel pressurised to see to it that he has eaten.

this is to do with patriarchy and stupid unwritten rules that state a kitchen is the woman's domain. so all stomachs need to be fed by a woman.

sometimes, I deliberately stop myself from asking after my dad's state of 'kati bhok lageko cha?'

but GUILT.



2020 update: as of mid-late last year, I completely stopped asking after him. now the question is - am I a healthier person or a worse daughter?