30s - angst, confusion, and the hope of 'getting there'

Today is the last day of my three-day annual leave. It is 1:48 pm as I type this. My mind is simultaneously a  clean blank slate and a rioter's mess. How is that possible? Why am I contradicting myself? Yet, it is. I guess this is just what life is?

I see people around me - by people, I mean, women - and I see how they have the trappings of adult life all figured out and achieved. They are smart, with a good career, a healthy happy family, nice social life, blahblah. I know all too well the facade of social media but I know that for many it is still a resounding truth - a successful adult life.

And I wonder why I don't seem to want half the things I am supposed to want. I am 33. Am I not supposed to want to be happily married, start a family, have an active social life, pursue interesting hobbies? 

My thoughts are scattered, as always. Nothing makes sense. Let me try, anyway.

I am an adult. I am an adult? Fuck.

Aren't adult humans supposed to be strong, settled, rich, happy, and successful?

Why is the barometer of success always the same? 

Actually, the question should be - why are we afraid of carving our own path if we don't subscribe to the common notion of contentment? We rage privately against what we consider the yoke of societal rules and expectations. But we meekly put our head down and trudge along to join the ranks of millions of peers.

Sometimes I feel brave enough to dream and want things my sane self believes I can never have. My sane self is the individual who grew up believing that we must acquire a college degree, go on to get a Masters degree, have a great career, marry at an appropriate age, bear kids, buy a house.

People just give you a picture of the things you are supposed to want. Here is education - you must get it and like it and get good marks to show your skill at being educated. Here is career - you must get a good job and get paid nicely enough to be able to buy a few things and to save up. Here is marriage - you must get married before you are too old otherwise no good man will want you. Here is kids - have two or three and please give birth to sons, if possible, if not, then make it possible.

No one teaches us what is inside these life milestones that we are supposed to reach. Oh, and the marriage and the kids part - we have to execute all these at the right time-  not too early or too late - otherwise you are a sad creature or a weirdo or just plain unlucky.

So as I was saying, no one teaches us what or how we are supposed to navigate these adult things? We are just supposed to wing it like the rest of the world is doing. As children or young adults, we see everyone walking around happily existing in their adult selves and we end up believing that this adult thing is easy. That it is being young (teens and 20s) that is hard.

That's why when you are in your 30s and suddenly find yourself angsty and confused and lost and angry, it is like the sky fell on your head and life is so much harder than when you were 21, broke, unemployed and in the throes of young love but you had the optimism of youth. 

Now what do you have?

Bills to pay, fear of incompetence because you are an adult and as such must have your shit together and be competent, adult goals you don't want but everyone tells you is desirable and you're confused, the dreams that you actually have but everyone makes you feel is stupid and unattainable.

Life's ...good???

I want to borrow some of the optimism and passion of my younger self, exchange my adult sane self for my brave younger spirit, and see if I can throw caution in the wind and hope I 'get there'.

 

brainfood

• Text of Indian writer Arundhati Roy's speech in 2018 - in-what-language-does-rain-fall-over-tormented-cities. This is jam-packed with historical, political, literary, religious, and cultural references. It requires a bigger brain than mine to fully comprehend. But it is a must-read. Be warned - it is very long.

• RM's interview where he talks about his first mixtape. It gives an interesting insight into his mind. The 2015 Namjoon talked honestly about his art, his mistakes, and his aspirations. I also loved reading about the kind of relationship he has with his agency and the misgivings he had then as a Kpop idol. I can see how the path he was on at that time led him to be the man he is today.

• This 2011 article, republished in Anveshi Research Centre for Women’s Studies, talks about the accessibility, and lack of, education and the English language- and the way it was/is being used as tools against the poor and marginalised in India.

• I came across this blog piece titled 'Mimetic Traps' after listening to the 'Not Over Thinking' podcast. Very interesting and thought-provoking. It talks about how a lot of us could be caught in jobs, situations, a life that is essentially a reflection of other people's desires, and not truly our own. The trap is basically us 'inheriting other's desires' and thinking we want something very badly. We invest energy and time on that specific thing but we might find out too late that it doesn't hold any value for US. I want to read it a couple more times to make sure I understand it as perfectly as possible.

a great existence

 

This quote encapsulates my recent years. 

I used to worry continuously about every little thing. A bad thing became worse after I played around with it in my head, feeding my demons. I made mountains out of molehills. It was especially horrible when I had to deal with new circumstances. Self-doubt is a bitch!

Then when I entered my 30s, I suddenly found myself caring less. It is weird because I don't associate the last couple of years with great fun or happiness. But it's been valuable because I have started to outgrow certain negative things and lean into a better mindset in other ways. 

Thanks, Phoebe.

'sometimes I hear howling in my head' - pt 2

 it's back. this clawing, kneeling sense of dread. why kneeling? because it humbles me so why not? how do men get over women? or isn't there two distinct sets of experiences for women and men? because heartbreak is universal. because loss is universal. because grief is universal. and confusing. and personal. and also sometimes feels shameful. 

i've been dreaming about him almost every other day. and i don't know know if i'm thinking about him so much because i've been dreaming of him so much. 

sad narrow gravelly roads remind me of him. an overcast day is suddenly THE day where we stayed in bed for many, many hours, each occupied with their phones but peaceful, happy. what is that hollow feeling in my chest? why is there no joy in reading anymore? 

sometimes i am haunted by the thought that i can still feel the coolness of the floor of his house. i wonder why i fought over who cleaned the carpet? if i knew how we would end up would i have hugged him tighter when things were still 'fine'? and now i can't remember how we parted ways, what we said when we last saw each other.

i come across his photo on social media and i marvel at his hair. why did he suddenly decide to grow it? does he still use the same shampoo?

i wish it were 2022 or five years later.

why does this entire thing suck? if someone asked me the reasons, i wouldn't know what to say. 

to spend or not to spend

 Life is so weird right now. Are you supposed to save money because people are screaming about the economy being shit? Or are you supposed to spend money to do your part to help revive the economy, in whatever way you can? This is fucking confusing.

Excited for 'A Piece of Your Mind'

OMG just started 'A Piece of Your Mind' and I'm all types of excited!!

I'm going in blind, i.e., without reading the synopsis. The few reviews that I've read have only just mentioned how good the drama is. 

I have been a fan of Jung Hae-In for quite some time now. I read somewhere that he mostly plays the soft-boy type of roles which I kinda agree with but I think his characters always have something different to them in every work he takes up. His character in 'One Spring Night' ! I love that drama and I loved his character.

Chae Soo-Bin....I have watched her in some dramas though I can't place exactly which ones at this moment. But I'm ready to love her, just this first episode in!