Persona

Who the hell am I?

so BTS is here with their new album 'Map of the Soul:7' and the track list includes 'Persona' which is one of my favourite songs from their discography.

This is song is a gem- shows the breadth of RM's skills. I'm very grateful for this Korean to English translation.

Mr Bong Joon Ho, gimme your brain, please.

I watched Parasite last Friday. it was worth every second of giving up my precious 'stay home in bed' Friday night.

I don't have the words to describe how tight and precise the film felt. It was as if the director Bong Joon Ho is the only creative genius in the world! But everyone who worked on the film is gloriously talented. Everything felt like it had a purpose. I'm not one to notice music or lighting in films. But with this one- I was somehow aware my senses were heightened with every subtle change.

If you love art, Parasite is a must. So I'm not going to talk about the story except reiterate how brilliant it is. Dark comedy, satire, social commentary, pathos- it has the works.

I'm conflicted about Parasite and the Oscar awards. I haven't watched the other films competing for the grand prize. It's also my personal belief that the film is beyond the Academy awards. Of course, the prestige that it comes with is vast but can we all take a moment to rejoice in the film, simply for its sake, and forget about that American award. They can keep their award. Give it to the American film. Let Parasite be the special film it is.

But I'm an idiot. If Bong Joon Ho wants that award, I say, give it to the man!

YOU go watch Parasite.

singing ice cream trucks

this isn't random.

no one told me there are ice cream vans in the UK that suddenly go 'tang ti tanana, tang ti tanana'.

and why is the ice cream van moving about in January, singing to kids/ice cream lovers?

i was so surprised when i first heard the vans. what the hell is that Bollywood music doing in this predominantly white neighbourhood!!!

it just instantly reminded me of that Bollywood movie- Krishna Cottage😜- idk why.

so there. now at least YOU know, ice cream vans go about singing in English towns.

I paused my reading session to write this because a van just passed my street. hahaha

excuse me, why are you not reading!

there's a deep deep place within me for words, stories and the imageries they gift us. but somehow, i haven't been taking as much joy in reading these past couple of years. i cannot blame anyone but myself because i easily fall into the clutches of social media and Netflix. then it is goodbye, books- who needs youuuuuu

well, i do, dammittt

so this year, to get back into the world of beautiful stories, i will read only genres that truly give me joy. 

one of the things i have really been loving so is Soonkki's  'Cheese in the Trap' manhwa. this manhwa/webtoon/comic has a unique story with characters that Soonkki has really spent time developing. bear in mind, this is an ongoing series and she publishes a new chapter every Sunday, and i read the latest one 30 minutes ago. 

reading the first three parts of  Cheese was so exciting. i was reading it in the bus, during work breaks, and excited to come home and start reading again. i was totally obsessed and because i didn't have to wait for the next chapter, i was so fucking invested in the story unfolding in front of me. one was on a seesaw of emotions. arghhhhhhhhhhhh......those were the times!!sighh

but now that i've caught up with the series, i gotta wait like a good little human for every Sunday.

oh, and i like the way she draws. i prefer reading colorful webtoons- somehow makes it all a happier experience for me. the story itself is a gem. which one of you will not love the twists and turns, the emotions, the words she uses, the atmosphere she can create, the everyday-ness (wtf is this word!! hahaha but i'm trying to say she makes living boring and interesting at the same time) of life!

is this turning out to be a Cheese in the Trap post?

essentially, what i'm trying to say is i will read more. and read more of what i love. thank you, god, for Soonkki. thank you, Soonkki for Cheese in the Trap. also, why are you so mysterious and unreachable?

i opened a Naver account just to see more of her work or to understand her thoughts but the entire website seems to be in Korean and is not useful to me. (plus i did something stupid and i can't access my account now..:0)

Home

Is it okay if you don't associate home with family?

Can your home be any place you feel safe?

Any place you feel like you belong?

Can you feel like home is every place you've ever lived?

But it is okay to feel you are still searching for home?

Isn't it?

Is the home you are looking for, permanence?

support

you ever wonder how to give your support to someone in a way it doesn't contribute to tipping them off/making them spiral down to negativity? how do you 'support' people who are living their lives as if they are peering down the face of a cliff where the tempo of the wind is rising in strange bursts? there is no not supporting them. all right? you want to support them, be there for them. but sometimes it feels you are part of the problem. that you are the one who could actually be giving them a nudge towards the cliff. like the time, you helped them cover a lie. it was just a small lie. but then is it ever just a 'small' one with them? has it ever been? so how do you deal with the complicated mess of emotions when you tell them, yes, i will lie for you, i will support you. you don't wish to be enabling their deep despair or be feeding their clamouring souls that always seem ready to spring out. so how do you support someone?

dark spaces

back to the empty gnawing feeling that has pervaded my soul. the familiar and uncomfortable rush that laps gently against my very being, filling me up, rushing all across me, from the centre to the furthest corners of my body and mind. each and every thing is a hardship. like it is personally designed to insult and wound me. self pity is a bitch. i am a bitch. even while knowing better (or perhaps because of it), i let it all 'happen'. do what you want, self. or am I addressing the world, the higher being? let it be. let 'it' be. this is how i will know what pleasant times feel like. how the regular act of looking out the window at the evening sky is a singular one. the breeze flowing down one's body and raising goosebumps makes one shiver in delight. is this happiness? the feeling of realisation that you are lighthearted and floaty?

claws of patriarchy

how many of you struggle with shaking off the claws of patriarchy?

I do.

every time I am home alone with dad and I feel like I have to ensure he has eaten lunch. "have you eaten? what did you eat? do you want me to make you something? you ate? okay, but do you want to eat again?"

all these questions when I sure as hell don't want to cook anything for anyone.

I don't ask my mom/aunt if they've eaten and what they would like me to make for them. because I assume they can find something to eat on their own.

my father can of course cook. and prepare something to eat for himself, which he usually does when we are alone. yet I feel pressurised to see to it that he has eaten.

this is to do with patriarchy and stupid unwritten rules that state a kitchen is the woman's domain. so all stomachs need to be fed by a woman.

sometimes, I deliberately stop myself from asking after my dad's state of 'kati bhok lageko cha?'

but GUILT.



2020 update: as of mid-late last year, I completely stopped asking after him. now the question is - am I a healthier person or a worse daughter?

the women I admire

• women who exercise
• women who keep their houses neat and tidy without any prompts
• women who take their children out for playdates (I have only seen them on Instagram, though)
• women who don't wear saris and gold jewellery at events where they are considered staples 
• women who wear saris and gold jewellery at the aforementioned events
• women who know their way around a makeup bag
• women whose straightened hair look glossy and amazing
• women who voluntarily invite other people to their house
• women who can take a 'no' bravely
• women who enjoy socialising
• women who are good at public speaking
• women who journal
• women who can wake up early in the morning and are happy about it
• women who run
• women who know what colours suit them best

.....to be continued

what you call episodes

this heavy heart. this feeling of numbness and anxiety ricocheting from my stomach up my throat and banging about the weak insecure cells of my brain. i can't even spell brian, today. brain. 

Adapt

ADAPT

-To modify

-To adjust

             -To make suitable

Easier said than done.

Adapting takes a lot out of an average person. For young people, it is part of growing up. So what does that mean for those of us who have hit their thirties? I don't have an answer to that. All I know is I am having to learn how to adapt and it is not very pleasant. Yet, I wouldn't go so far as to say it is something to curse at for all of eternity. You get the hang of it after a couple of curses and mini meltdowns.

Then you pick yourself up as a good 'adult' does and get on with living. 

Adapting inevitably leads to tweaks in your personality. I have also invariably found myself alternating between panic and wonderment at whatever this adapting situation has brought to my life. 

A few tips on handling panic--Stop whatever you are doing that is causing you to panic-Do the thing that relaxes you most (talk to a confidant, drink tea, run, sleep, watch a movie)-Vent to a friend. Call them. If they don't pick up, leave long-winded messages.-Cry if you must

How to enjoy the state of wonderment-- Appreciate that you might not always feel this way- Call someone immediately to gush about the feeling. If they don't pick up, call someone else. Or leave a message.- Do something else you enjoy that can amplify your present state of being