singing ice cream trucks

this isn't random.

no one told me there are ice cream vans in the UK that suddenly go 'tang ti tanana, tang ti tanana'.

and why is the ice cream van moving about in January, singing to kids/ice cream lovers?

i was so surprised when i first heard the vans. what the hell is that Bollywood music doing in this predominantly white neighbourhood!!!

it just instantly reminded me of that Bollywood movie- Krishna Cottage😜- idk why.

so there. now at least YOU know, ice cream vans go about singing in English towns.

I paused my reading session to write this because a van just passed my street. hahaha

excuse me, why are you not reading!

there's a deep deep place within me for words, stories and the imageries they gift us. but somehow, i haven't been taking as much joy in reading these past couple of years. i cannot blame anyone but myself because i easily fall into the clutches of social media and Netflix. then it is goodbye, books- who needs youuuuuu

well, i do, dammittt

so this year, to get back into the world of beautiful stories, i will read only genres that truly give me joy. 

one of the things i have really been loving so is Soonkki's  'Cheese in the Trap' manhwa. this manhwa/webtoon/comic has a unique story with characters that Soonkki has really spent time developing. bear in mind, this is an ongoing series and she publishes a new chapter every Sunday, and i read the latest one 30 minutes ago. 

reading the first three parts of  Cheese was so exciting. i was reading it in the bus, during work breaks, and excited to come home and start reading again. i was totally obsessed and because i didn't have to wait for the next chapter, i was so fucking invested in the story unfolding in front of me. one was on a seesaw of emotions. arghhhhhhhhhhhh......those were the times!!sighh

but now that i've caught up with the series, i gotta wait like a good little human for every Sunday.

oh, and i like the way she draws. i prefer reading colorful webtoons- somehow makes it all a happier experience for me. the story itself is a gem. which one of you will not love the twists and turns, the emotions, the words she uses, the atmosphere she can create, the everyday-ness (wtf is this word!! hahaha but i'm trying to say she makes living boring and interesting at the same time) of life!

is this turning out to be a Cheese in the Trap post?

essentially, what i'm trying to say is i will read more. and read more of what i love. thank you, god, for Soonkki. thank you, Soonkki for Cheese in the Trap. also, why are you so mysterious and unreachable?

i opened a Naver account just to see more of her work or to understand her thoughts but the entire website seems to be in Korean and is not useful to me. (plus i did something stupid and i can't access my account now..:0)

Home

Is it okay if you don't associate home with family?

Can your home be any place you feel safe?

Any place you feel like you belong?

Can you feel like home is every place you've ever lived?

But it is okay to feel you are still searching for home?

Isn't it?

Is the home you are looking for, permanence?

support

you ever wonder how to give your support to someone in a way it doesn't contribute to tipping them off/making them spiral down to negativity? how do you 'support' people who are living their lives as if they are peering down the face of a cliff where the tempo of the wind is rising in strange bursts? there is no not supporting them. all right? you want to support them, be there for them. but sometimes it feels you are part of the problem. that you are the one who could actually be giving them a nudge towards the cliff. like the time, you helped them cover a lie. it was just a small lie. but then is it ever just a 'small' one with them? has it ever been? so how do you deal with the complicated mess of emotions when you tell them, yes, i will lie for you, i will support you. you don't wish to be enabling their deep despair or be feeding their clamouring souls that always seem ready to spring out. so how do you support someone?

dark spaces

back to the empty gnawing feeling that has pervaded my soul. the familiar and uncomfortable rush that laps gently against my very being, filling me up, rushing all across me, from the centre to the furthest corners of my body and mind. each and every thing is a hardship. like it is personally designed to insult and wound me. self pity is a bitch. i am a bitch. even while knowing better (or perhaps because of it), i let it all 'happen'. do what you want, self. or am I addressing the world, the higher being? let it be. let 'it' be. this is how i will know what pleasant times feel like. how the regular act of looking out the window at the evening sky is a singular one. the breeze flowing down one's body and raising goosebumps makes one shiver in delight. is this happiness? the feeling of realisation that you are lighthearted and floaty?

claws of patriarchy

how many of you struggle with shaking off the claws of patriarchy?

I do.

every time I am home alone with dad and I feel like I have to ensure he has eaten lunch. "have you eaten? what did you eat? do you want me to make you something? you ate? okay, but do you want to eat again?"

all these questions when I sure as hell don't want to cook anything for anyone.

I don't ask my mom/aunt if they've eaten and what they would like me to make for them. because I assume they can find something to eat on their own.

my father can of course cook. and prepare something to eat for himself, which he usually does when we are alone. yet I feel pressurised to see to it that he has eaten.

this is to do with patriarchy and stupid unwritten rules that state a kitchen is the woman's domain. so all stomachs need to be fed by a woman.

sometimes, I deliberately stop myself from asking after my dad's state of 'kati bhok lageko cha?'

but GUILT.



2020 update: as of mid-late last year, I completely stopped asking after him. now the question is - am I a healthier person or a worse daughter?

the women I admire

• women who exercise
• women who keep their houses neat and tidy without any prompts
• women who take their children out for playdates (I have only seen them on Instagram, though)
• women who don't wear saris and gold jewellery at events where they are considered staples 
• women who wear saris and gold jewellery at the aforementioned events
• women who know their way around a makeup bag
• women whose straightened hair look glossy and amazing
• women who voluntarily invite other people to their house
• women who can take a 'no' bravely
• women who enjoy socialising
• women who are good at public speaking
• women who journal
• women who can wake up early in the morning and are happy about it
• women who run
• women who know what colours suit them best

.....to be continued

what you call episodes

this heavy heart. this feeling of numbness and anxiety ricocheting from my stomach up my throat and banging about the weak insecure cells of my brain. i can't even spell brian, today. brain. 

Adapt

ADAPT

-To modify

-To adjust

             -To make suitable

Easier said than done.

Adapting takes a lot out of an average person. For young people, it is part of growing up. So what does that mean for those of us who have hit their thirties? I don't have an answer to that. All I know is I am having to learn how to adapt and it is not very pleasant. Yet, I wouldn't go so far as to say it is something to curse at for all of eternity. You get the hang of it after a couple of curses and mini meltdowns.

Then you pick yourself up as a good 'adult' does and get on with living. 

Adapting inevitably leads to tweaks in your personality. I have also invariably found myself alternating between panic and wonderment at whatever this adapting situation has brought to my life. 

A few tips on handling panic--Stop whatever you are doing that is causing you to panic-Do the thing that relaxes you most (talk to a confidant, drink tea, run, sleep, watch a movie)-Vent to a friend. Call them. If they don't pick up, leave long-winded messages.-Cry if you must

How to enjoy the state of wonderment-- Appreciate that you might not always feel this way- Call someone immediately to gush about the feeling. If they don't pick up, call someone else. Or leave a message.- Do something else you enjoy that can amplify your present state of being

'My Mister' is an amazing show

Oh, how much I wanted this to be a 'love' story!

'My Mister', the title, doesn't really sound appealing. Judging by the name alone, it sounds to me like it could be a weak Korean drama. But you must take a look at the synopsis before you cast it to the back of your mind, dear reader.

Before jumping to the show, I want talk about something else. I often wonder about the beautiful poetic lines that Korean dramas throw at us. Do the writers really write these lines or is it all thanks to the translators? This one has lines such as 'i liked all the sounds you made (flashback to talking, crying, etc.) and i liked listening to the sound of your footsteps (cut to him from the back walking alone at night).' What a beauty. I also particularly liked another line where Ji-an says something like how she will always look back at the company affectionately because this is where she met Dong Hoon who was so kind to her. And for Ji-an to say something like this is amazing.

'My Mister' is about two unlikely people who affect each other in the most positive ways. It is about love - romantic love, familial love, and friends wala love. It is about kindness, about struggling to be a good person doing the right thing, about redemption.....The show also gives us a good look at the Korean corporate culture in Korean and the sunbae-hoobae (senior-junior) relationship.

Let me tackle this last bit first. The sunbae-hoobae relationship can be familiar for all those who come from Asia. Basically, it is about showing respect to one's elders (whether they deserve it or not). But I found it frustrating here in many levels. Another show 'Miss Hammurabi' had a similar scene and I'm getting these scenes mixed up together so I am going ahead with whatever comes to mind, regardless of which show the scenes are from. At one point, the higher ups arrive just as the lift comes to the floor where the lower ranking employees are waiting for the lift. But then the higher ups get in first and some of the lower ranking employees have to wait for the next one because the lift has reached maximum capacity. The employees also hold the door open for their sunbaes. Ugh so annoying.

But I digress.

Park Dong Hoon is a structural engineer who has been the good, solid one all his life. He is in his 40s and the second of three brothers. His wife is a lawyer and his young son studies abroad somewhere. He has been living a not-so-happy life with his emotionally absent wife at home and shit bosses at work. Dong Hoon is essentially a loner. He is quiet, not as expressive and loud as his brothers. It feels like he is carrying the burden of being the responsible son, the good man.

His life is slowly transformed when he meets Lee Ji-an, a temp worker at his office. She is a sullen 21 year old who never smiles, is not polite, and can be aggressive. As we see more of her life, we come to empathise with her. Ji-an is paying off a huge loan that her irresponsible mother took from loan sharks. The mother ran off (and died) without paying off the loan so the loan shark would regularly come to Ji-an and her deaf and mute grandma's house and beat them soundly. One day, she kills the man when he starts beating up the grandma. Now it is the loan shark's son, Lee Kwang-il, who comes around to threaten and beat up Ji-an for the money. She is regularly covered in bruises and she has broken fingers when she fights back Kwang-il.

Ji-an is a resilient soul. She has never had anyone to really depend upon. She works hard to pay off the loan and saves money by eating left overs from the restaurant (where she works part time) or just drinking tea (sachets stolen from the office) for dinner.

Dong Hoon and Ji-an do not start off on a good note. He receives a bribe which he nervously puts away in a drawer. He then notices Ji-an staring at him. Later that night, she steals the money to pay off Kwang-il but circumstances force her to get the money back. In the meanwhile, Dong Hoon has been accused of taking the bribe and could be facing serious legal issues but the money miraculously turns up in a trash can and he is saved. Dong Hoon had suspected Ji-an of taking the money but now he feels indebted to her as he feels she saved him by taking the money off his hands and throwing it in the trash can. Little does he know that she was actually stealing the money from him and thus throwing him deeper in trouble.

Anyway, they start an awkward strange relationship where he hesitatingly buys her meals and sometimes walks her home because they lives in the same neighbourhood. He doesn't really want to do this as he feels it could be viewed as inappropriate by people they know (because he is married and because of the 20 years plus age gap). There is a villainous CEO who wants to ruin Dong Hoon and enlists Ji-an to get closer to him. The plan is to develop an improper relationship between Ji-an and Dong Hoon, and get Dong Hoon fired amid a huge scandal. She puts a bug on Dong Hoon's phone and is privy to his entire life. And this is how a beautiful relationship starts.👻

She starts listening in to his conversations at work, with friends, his family and his wife. Unwittingly, she goes from Team villain CEO to Team unlikely hero Dong Hoon. She realises the gift that is Dong Hoon, how he does things without expecting anything in return, his sense of responsibility, his kindness, his innate goodness, how he comes to her defence. After living so much of her life devoid of kindness, the ice block around her heart starts melting and she is in loveeeee.💖

I don't want to get into the rest of the story because I am LAZY. I will just share the other highlights of the show.

• The bond shared by brothers will immediately jump out as one of the best things about 'My Mister'. Dong Hoon shares a beautiful relationship with his family and he is super duper close with his brothers. So close, in fact, that his wife is jealous of this bond. His elder brother, Sang Hoon, once worked in a big company but was fired and has two failed businesses behind him. He is now basically a bum, living with his mom and separated from his wife. He drinks a lot, has money problems and Dong Hoon often gives him money. Sang Hoon is emotional, cries easily, and loves his family. The youngest brother is Ki-hoon, a once heralded genius of the film industry. But his first feature film didn't really make it and he never made another film. He is also a bum, living at home with his mom and eldest brother. Ki-hoon is a hothead, emotional and loves his family. The brothers meet regularly and share everything with each other. They squabble but are protective  of each other. There are many moments in the show where you will want to be a part of 'this' squad.

• There has been a lot of talk about how this show depicts the life of the Korean middle aged men. I don't know how accurately they have portrayed it but yes, there is a lot of focus on middle aged men and their relationships. The brothers have the same circle of friends since their childhood and they meet often to play football or drink together. We see middle aged men struggling with their careers after they are fired. We see them start one business after another. We see them talk about women, their children, their dreams. It was nice to watch something focusing on them.

• Dong Hoon and Ji-an's relationship was beautiful and frustrating. I say this because I admit it was a beautiful relationship where they both brought out the best in each other and acknowledged how they changed each other's lives. But it was frustrating because I wanted ROMANCEEE. I don't care if that would make it a May-December relationship because they were just so wonderful for each other. Ji-an truly loved him and wanted the best for him even if that meant him being with his wife. I am confused about whether Dong Hoon has romantic feelings for Ji-an, though. I know he does miss her when she is not around and she makes him rethink his life and gives him strength. But should the viewers confuse that with romantic love or not? In the end, he chooses to continue to be the straight-laced guy that he is and go on with his life, despite being as lonely as he was before. Doon Hoon, you could have run off with Ji-an and lived happily ever after, you stupid man!!! But my frustration aside, theirs was a wonderful relationship and I am glad they met and had a chance at love.

• Dong Hoon and his team members also share a great bond with each other. They stand up for him and are immensely loyal. Dong Hoon also proves to be an amazing sunbae, leading his team to the best of his ability.

I feel like I am not doing justice to this drama by what I wrote above. There are many sublime things in this drama that I am not able to articulate well. All I want to say is you need to watch this show. When it comes to K dramas, I only ever watch the run-of-the-mill romantic ones because all I'm looking for is easy entertainment. Somehow the premise of this show caught my interest and I am happy to have watched it. The actors are really good. The music is good. The dialogues are good. Some scenes seem strange and some characters don't seem essential to the plot but overall a great drama.

Now, go watch it.🙏

What I spent my weekend (also my Monday) doing

To be honest, I gave 'Zindagi Gulzar Hai' a try because I can't resist the poor girl-rich guy/opposites attract trope and also because of Fawad Khan. He doesn't have his awesome beard here but he grows on you nevertheless (did I just make a pun??).

This Pakistani TV show is about a young girl from a poor family who struggles to achieve better things in life. I really liked the story, the pace of the show, and the realistic portrayal of a lower middle class life.

I was all gung-ho about Kashaf Murtaza (played by Sanam Saeed) from the first episode. I think she is now one of my favorite TV characters ever so I'm going to focus on her here. 

Kashaf is not one of those cheerful-in-the-face-of-adversity heroines. She complains incessantly, and is pessimistic and made bitter by her father's selfish ways. Her loser father was not happy with three daughters and remarried in order to produce an heir (male) supreme for his meager kingdom. He is still married to his first wife, Kashaf's mom Rafiya, who he visits from time to time and listens to her urgent demands but doesn't do anything to help her. Rafiya is a hardworking government school principal who is making ends meet with after school tuition.

Zindagi gulzar hai means 'Life is beautiful' as I learned from the subtitles. I don't know whether they were trying to show that there is beauty in the struggles of life but I couldn't find happiness or beauty for Kashaf's life until after the second half. 

I liked that Kashaf remains true to her character even as her life changes for the better. She is a woman with layers in her personality. There is nothing one dimensional about her. She is expressive and vocal with her family but she is reticent about discussing her feelings with her husband. I could understand her reluctance to express her feelings to Zaroon (Fawad Khan) even while he showers her with attention and declarations of love which she obviously enjoys. Her problems with her father has made her unable to trust men. She deals with conflicting emotions even toward the end of the show when she grapples with the issue of giving birth to daughters.  

I could also understand her need to be independent and self sufficient. This stems from having to do and be so for all her life. With her father neglecting his first family and her mother working so so so hard, Kashaf had no option but to contribute to her family's livelihood from a young age. Her dream is to earn enough money to ensure that her mom doesn't have to work so hard and give up on her basic needs. She also has a strong sense of dignity which doesn't allow her to lower her self respect.

Some grey areas in the show has to be the portrayal of the 'modern career' woman. Zaroon's mom and sister who are modern working women put themselves and their careers first. This is not a bad thing. But these women are shown to be stubborn and kind of egoistic, they wouldn't admit they were wrong and they refused to compromise. Of course, you might think what's wrong in these women acting as they please when men have been doing the same for years and years! But viewers will clearly be able to see (and be annoyed at) how detrimental the characters' attitudes are to their happiness.

Then there is the men's reaction to the 'modern career' woman. Male characters from these affluent and privileged backgrounds, who are educated and have had the opportunity to travel, still long for women who are the female archetype. They wish for their mothers and their wives to be educated and smart but to stay at home, not cultivate male friendships, pack their bags, cook their favorite foods. The men are either long suffering husbands/fiances or sad deprived children due to such women. 

I felt that both the women and the men's reactions were extreme and frustrating. Middle ground bhanne cheej chaina ki kya ho? Perhaps that's what the writer intended to achieve. Frustrate the viewer and also give us food for thought. I am not able to articulate my exact thoughts and feelings on this so you should watch the show. 

One thing that made me a bit sad was- how come Kashaf and Zaroon never exchanged their diaries? They're always scribbling and I assumed they would allow each other to read their penned thoughts as a way of understanding each other better. 

But that didn't happen. 😞