A little heartbroken, a little healed

I'm not sure I am okay. February is coming to an end. 

All good?

Almost close to signing off work, and then between punching the keywords and the relief of a day coming to close, I felt like bursting into tears suddenly. Uhgood was playing. That says it all. I don't know what this young man mixed into this song but it always freaking gets me. I love this song too much but why it always makes me want to cry?

If there's anything life is consistent about, it is new experiences and emotions. Currently vacillating between hope and despair, contentment and ambition, confidence and deep self-doubt, plus many more tangled emotions. So, I find myself lurching about like an uncontrollable car. This is the identity of human beings, I suppose. 

My erratic list of very practical life skills

I jotted down this list for myself as a reminder that I need to calm the fuck down and not be so anxious. I will try to build/edit this continuously. Think of it as a fluid list - just like human beings, it will also change according to needs, knowledge over time. 

Not one of these points are easy for me. In fact, I actively dislike many of them but I think they are important for me to inculcate in my daily life.

• Reading - always and more
• Financial awareness
• Saving - start early
• Not jumping to conclusions
• Tidying up - surprisingly helps improve the vibe of a room
• Bargaining
• Ability to perk oneself up - whatever does it for you, do more of it
• Setting goals - tiny ones to begin with
• Saying no
• Habit of double-checking important stuff around the house
• Basic sewing - buttons, a little tear
• Cooking
• Manifesting/building a vision board - change your life, why don't you?
• Time management - no more multitasking 
• Moving your body - every little bit counts

Something like a cheerleader

Words of Women newsletter is back after a hiatus. She elevates my Mondays. Everyone needs to be subscribed to this newsletter if they aren't already. 

Well, anyway she connected readers to this 2018 Glamour piece. 

Ann Dowd is an actor and here she talks about finding success later in life. I always grapple with feelings of inadequacy, especially now that I am in my 30s and still feeling lost in a new country/culture/career. 

Reading about the actor's staunch belief in herself but also the inevitable emotion of frustration gave me some much needed courage and hope for my own self.

Ann also introduced me to Mary Oliver's lovely poem 'Wild Geese'. 

It has these sublime lines.

Tell me about despair, yours, and I will tell you mine.

Meanwhile the world goes on.

Kuri Village

Woke up this morning after almost 15 hours of deep sleep to see a friend post a picture of the beautiful Kuri Village from back home. 

How lovely!

Was awestruck by the beauty of the place and her photography skills. Couldn't resist asking her to send me the picture, and she sent along a bonus. Thanks, Sachi 💕

The weatherman says we might get a bit of snow here, tomorrow. We had heavy snowfall in the last week of January. It felt luxurious to be able to stay home while the world was blanketed in the glaring white snow. No trudging in the snow to get to work. No risk of slipping on the dangerous ice. 

Little Forest

The last day of January was particularly difficult. The usual emotions of stress, guilt, imposter syndrome, and grief.

Cried alone, hidden away in my room as usual. 

But I found a treat even on such a grey and morose day. Got around to watching 'Little Forest' finally. I've been wanting to watch this movie for a couple of years. Maybe the best things are really worth waiting for, huh.

'Little Forest' is a Korean movie based on a Japanese manga of the same name. There's also a Japanese movie whose cinematography is supposedly phenomenal. But this 2018 Korean adaptation has my heart.

This movie feels quiet and large at the same time, you know? Like it is just a small cog in this wheel of life but the mighty strength it exudes feels so all-encompassing and safe.

The story brief goes like this - Hye-won returns to her village home after failing an important exam in Seoul which would have started her career as a teacher. She is already battling old and new emotional scars - an unresolved issue concerning her mother, an unfulfilling stressful job, feeling lost. But when asked the reason for her return, she simply says she was hungry. 

And how she eats!

Like a lot of young people who see the culmination of their dreams achievable only in the shiny bright city lights, Hye-won sees this return only as a hiatus. A brief respite from the overwhelming grind of city life and the rat race. She is in no hurry to get back. After all, she only has a convenience store job and a faltering bond with her boyfriend - both of which, at best, only have a tenuous hold on her.

Back in her village, she has time and the environment to heal as well as two old friends, wholesome food and memories of her mother. Unlike the unforgiving pace of the city, she can bask in the luxury of time to find healing at a pace she is comfortable in.

The friendships are wholesome and lovely. 

One friend dreams of pursuing a better life in the city. She has had enough of her boring village life and her bank manager. 

The other has walked away from a 9-5 office life and a girlfriend only to return home to find his roots in farming. A revitalised life for him.

And what is Hye-won seeking? What has she come back for? 

Perhaps the hunger she was referring to was not just for comfort food. Possibly, what she needed was solace in the form of old, familiar things and a slowing down of life and time to readjust her life's compass.

For now, she is taking each day as it comes.

She wants to be here for the winter, then she wants to see the spring. She wants to be there when her tomatoes ripen and when the onions grow. 

Summer comes around and then the next winter snow starts blanketing the earth.

Like the best of slice-of-life movies, 'Little Forest' makes its viewers want to experience the character's daily life. But as we stray into the danger zone - of losing ourselves in the beauty of 'the simple life' and aesthetics shots of Hye-won cooking and working in the fields, we are reminded that this is no easy life. It is backbreaking work and there's the risk of a freak rainfall ruining your chances of a good harvest. This 'simple life' involves copious amounts of physically hard work and vast knowledge of the plants, the earth, and the seasons. 

I thought it did a great job of pulling me back to reality. Because I would make a poor farmer. I cannot even keep a pot of plant alive.

I found the movie very charming. It was just the pick-me-up I needed. 

The underlying message of the story is well captured in the following quote.

“When things are hard, remember the scent of the land, the wind and sun here, then I know you can dust yourself off and get up again. Let's think of it as a start of a long trip to return home well.”

It is a reminder that there is always hope. A reminder to keep the faith. To hold on to good memories and good friends. And ultimately, to always believe in oneself.

'Little Forest' was a perfect blend of story and acting and directing. It was not slow. It was not hurried. It had its own sweet rhythm and flow.

And through it all we go along with Hye-won on her journey of running away, forgetting, healing, remembering and finally finding the strength to face her future.