Everything in dust

 The mood shitstorm is hauling me from one end to another. Today is down in the dumps day. I can't concentrate on work. I feel like I hate everyone. Guilt bangs away. I overslept. Woke up at 9:10. Work is supposed to start at 9.

I feel so unmotivated to work. There's this massive THANK GOD IT'S FRIDAY feeling.

There must be many people feeling the way I am but that's not a comforting thing to know. It just hammers home the scary feeling that we are all doomed. This is probably just my theatrics taking centre stage. But I wanna curl up and sleep and never feel anything ever again.

Wednesday, December 16th. Some goodbyes were long overdue. It wasn't the earth-shattering transformation that I was dreading. In fact, it was quite the opposite. Just felt so plain and grey. Maybe that's where the earth-shattering lies - in those moments of despair that is held back, tightly contained within the little space we occupy in this world, in the desperate clutching and weighing of our grief. The grief we're afraid to truly acknowledge and show.

Everything is slathered in grey. Everything in dust.

But who can stop the dust particles from floating about?

Maybe these particles are also crying out loud, trying to find their way back wherever home was for them? And that's where this disjointed feeling comes from. Our empty souls clanging and reverberating, clamouring for things that cannot be and should not be, but once was.